on migraines

the years that ive gotten migraines have officially outnumbered the years that ive spent without them. this means that the majority of my life has been dictated by the possible invasion of a migraine. i have tried prayer, chiropractors, brain scans, food journals, bathing in epsom salts, pain medication, prevention medication, vitamins, and botox. all of which have changed the lives of other migraine sufferers, and none of which have had a significant affect on me. i spent all night and all day in bed trying to will my migraine away. because of botox (yes! botox. fda approved for migraines as of april!), my migraines have decreased from 4 times a month, to two times a month. 

im writing this because my goal is to be migraine free by april of 2012.

im still alive!

i lived through my 25th year of life!!!!!! this is a huge victory. there has never been a bumpy, more turbulent year in all of my existence. this may be my biggest accomplishment yet. i think 26 will be the part that comes after the climax where everything is calm and all of the lose ends start to tie together. hooray for 26!

on restoration

one of my sweet students passed away on saturday. draven was a beautiful child, who was very sick and missed a lot of school. the few times that he came to school, he was delightful and brought joy to those around him. he was in a wheelchair, had vision and hearing problems, was non-verbal, and ate through a tube. in these moments, and all of the moments where my students are in pain or at a disadvantage, i praise god for restoration and the promise of heaven. there is nothing that gets my tear ducts going faster than the image of my sweet kiddos dancing and rejoicing with Jesus. many of us have moments of fullness or completion in this life, but many of the students in my class never do. they are born into broken bodies or minds, having to wait on the people around them to somehow meet their needs. im thinking about draven this morning, as god has restored him and he is full and free from the bindings of this life. thank you, sweet boy, for drawing me closer to jesus. i will never forget your smile and laugh.

integrity

i am in almost exactly the same place that i was in four years ago- in 2007, i wrote this:

 

being pure in heart is the single most important thing to me. people seem so fixated on what the rest of the world thinks of them, of their actions, their motives, the things they do that are seen. i think that integrity, and the purity that goes alongside it are much more valuable than public opinion. i love the way Mother Theresa says that if God calls her to clean toilets, that she will do it with as much passion and honor as if He had called her to witness to the president, or when Martin Luther King says that if you're called to be a streetsweeper, to be the best streetsweeper you can be. i dont care what anyone else thinks about my vocation, my marriage, or my ministry, as long as God sees where my heart is, the rest is just the opinion of men. every relationship i have, every "act of service" i do has nothing to do with the other people involved, it has to do with my relationship with my Creator at the time that i do them. when it comes down to it, at the end of my life i am not going to face my friends, or the people i work for, or even my husband...everything that i have ever done is going to be stripped down to the condition of my heart when i did it. i want to do everything to Him, for Him, and with Him.

 

something i learned from my friend, sarah

“When John Kavanaugh, the noted and famous ethicist, went to Calcutta, he was seeking Mother Teresa … and more. He went for three months to work at “the house of the dying” to find out how best he could spend the rest of his life.

When he met Mother Teresa, he asked her to pray for him. “What do you want me to pray for?” she replied. He then uttered the request he had carried thousands of miles: “Clarity. Pray that I have clarity.”

“No,” Mother Teresa answered, “I will not do that.” When he asked her why, she said, “Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.” When Kavanaugh said that she always seemed to have clarity, the very kind of clarity he was looking for, Mother Teresa laughed and said: “I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.”

child fever

there is a 6 year old boy with two dimples who winks and raises his eyebrows and pretends to hate kisses. who showed up in our extended family with two suitcases; one half-filled with summer clothing two sizes too small, and another one filled with happy meal toys and a superman cape. whose little life was created in a terribly broken world, surrounded by broken people, a boy who i would not blink at the thought of giving everything for.

there is another child who i have the honor of loving on a daily basis. whose little twisted foot and underdeveloped brain make it impossible for him to live an ordinary life. who screams and drools and giggles and only says 3 syllable words. i cannot, for the life of me, shake the desire to take him on the teacup ride at disneyland, imagining his joy and laughter as he spins in circles, as i hold his little body in place.

next door to my classroom, in a class of 3, 4, and 5 year olds with developmental delays, is a darling little boy who has completely captured my heart. he is defiant and angry and complicated and i love him completely. his beautiful soul longs to be valued and cherished and cradled, and it shows in every step he takes. i heard a story once about a teacher who sued for custody of a mistreated child, and won. i get that.

my best friend is pregnant with her first baby. this is a landmark in our lives and in our stories, as she is the first person in my immediate group of best friends to embark on this journey. i always wondered if this is something we would do together, the pregnancy/baby thing. and yet, over the last few months i have come so far from wanting to bear a child. i rarely find myself standing side ways in front of a mirror pushing my stomach out, wondering when there will be life inside of me, like i have far so many years of my life. now, the desire to love a child born outside of my womb has gone from strong, to unquenchable. the holy Spirit has been pounding at the door to my heart, creating in me a sense of urgency to mother a child that isnt mine.


the three little boys in my life have been placed there as a picture of love. to show me how intensely i could love a child that wasnt born mine. when i think of those three boys who were born into hopeless situations and how much i would give up to make their lives whole, i can only imagine what God has in store for the children that are waiting to be in my forever family. waiting and praying and waiting and praying for the things in my life to align as God prepares my heart for what awaits. i can only imagine what he has in store. 

resolve.

when i reflect on my walk with christ, ive seen alot more evidence of his presence in my heart than in my circumstances. i spend alot of time trying to save people and change people and get people to make better choices (by my own obscure standards) for their lives. the thing is, i also pray for these people and ask god to change their circumstances.

i have completely missed the meaning of life. 

there are mountains and valleys and the mountains are amazing and the valleys are supposed to suck. that is the nature of mountains and valleys. in valleys, you cant see beyond what is right in front of you. valleys are hopeless and there is no way out but through. 

when i reflect on my quarter century of life, the moments that have defined me have been equal parts mountain and valley. the mountains have been incredible, but the valleys have shaped the way i see the mountains. on the mountaintop, i see things clearly, i feel exuberant and hopeful and alive and free, there is nothing blocking my view of jesus. these places are often based on the condition of my heart being equal to my circumstances. 

but, oh the valleys! these are the places when my circumstances are often completely out of my control and the only thing i can do is pray for god to change the condition of my heart. and he does! he doesnt often change my circumstances (he can, and he sometimes will) because they are ordained to shape my heart. 

the point is, i have decided that i dont give a damn about circumstances in 2011. last year, i allowed my heart to completely depend on them (ex: we just won a trip on wheel of fortune! life is great!-- or, we just argued for three hours straight! life is horrible!). 

i just want to focus all of my efforts on being the person that God created me to be, and praying (not manipulating) for the people around me to be who He created them to be. 

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.  What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value.  I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection.  ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.” – Thomas Paine