2005

I was a tragic and emotional 18 year old. Prepare to LOL.

These blog entries were written in the spring of 2005:

2005-04-18

I remember liking the blue of his eyes more than the sky, 

and I still do, but only when he wears red and only on days 

that end the way this one did. Actually, I only love his 

eyes half the time, because they are warm and inviting and 

they love me more than he does. The other half the time 

they are cold and make me feel like im being looked at by a 

complete stranger. Today they loved me.

2005-04-15

I want more out of life. I want funyuns, and pretty 

dresses, and i want to open my mouth really wide when its 

full of food, i want to spin in circles until i feel like 

im going to puke, and jump on my bed to "material girl" by 

madonna, i want minute maid squeeze bars that jon used to 

bring me whenever i begged him to, i want to worship with 

my knees in sand (and not just beach sand, real sand like 

the kind you find in morocco), i want to lay on a float in 

the pool and read classic literature-something really 

disturbing too like Brave New World or Lolita, also i want 

more things in my life that are green- i love the color 

green and dont really get enough of it.

Oh, and by the way, Im a prophet:

2005-04-05

I want someone to braid my hair right now, but i want my 

hair too be much longer. I've always pictured myself 

getting married with long hair and not wearing it up 

because thats too cliche...I also think i would like to be 

a hippie minus the drugs. I'll work on that.

If something looks like love, sounds like love, and feels 

like love...its probably not orange soda.

My thought processes are a little off tonight. 

2005-05-29

i realized today that i crave people. not just any people. 

i crave people that i feel like i can never satisfy. i 

abandon people that i can please and fill their void with 

people that always force me to try harder, to go the extra 

mile. the moment i feel like im losing someone, like im not 

enough for them anymore, a little light starts blinking in 

my head and im pushed into overdrive. suddenly i panic, and 

my fear of abandonment takes over, and i become 

superme...this extended, overexagerated, exhausting version 

of myself. i think i search for people that are empty and 

somehow try to fill them with myself, and then im empty and 

i cant figure out why. also, i am not enough for these 

people, thats what makes them so appealing- i'll never 

satisfy them...so im left empty and they are left wanting 

more and i have nothing more to give and then i feel 

defeated, like ive lost a game but really i was the only 

one playing the game in the FIRST place. 

I think i give my life to God and then take it back at 

least once a day. I really need to get that checked out.

I knew that keeping a blog for the last 6 years would come back to haunt me. I wonder if ill post blog entries from 2009 a few years from now and wonder what the hell went on in my brain.
As Becca Call once (34234 times) said, "Ohmygosh. That is so embarrassing."