These blog entries were written in the spring of 2005:
I remember liking the blue of his eyes more than the sky,
and I still do, but only when he wears red and only on days
that end the way this one did. Actually, I only love his
eyes half the time, because they are warm and inviting and
they love me more than he does. The other half the time
they are cold and make me feel like im being looked at by a
complete stranger. Today they loved me.
I want more out of life. I want funyuns, and pretty
dresses, and i want to open my mouth really wide when its
full of food, i want to spin in circles until i feel like
im going to puke, and jump on my bed to "material girl" by
madonna, i want minute maid squeeze bars that jon used to
bring me whenever i begged him to, i want to worship with
my knees in sand (and not just beach sand, real sand like
the kind you find in morocco), i want to lay on a float in
the pool and read classic literature-something really
disturbing too like Brave New World or Lolita, also i want
more things in my life that are green- i love the color
green and dont really get enough of it.
Oh, and by the way, Im a prophet:
I want someone to braid my hair right now, but i want my
hair too be much longer. I've always pictured myself
getting married with long hair and not wearing it up
because thats too cliche...I also think i would like to be
a hippie minus the drugs. I'll work on that.
If something looks like love, sounds like love, and feels
like love...its probably not orange soda.
My thought processes are a little off tonight.
i realized today that i crave people. not just any people.
i crave people that i feel like i can never satisfy. i
abandon people that i can please and fill their void with
people that always force me to try harder, to go the extra
mile. the moment i feel like im losing someone, like im not
enough for them anymore, a little light starts blinking in
my head and im pushed into overdrive. suddenly i panic, and
my fear of abandonment takes over, and i become
superme...this extended, overexagerated, exhausting version
of myself. i think i search for people that are empty and
somehow try to fill them with myself, and then im empty and
i cant figure out why. also, i am not enough for these
people, thats what makes them so appealing- i'll never
satisfy them...so im left empty and they are left wanting
more and i have nothing more to give and then i feel
defeated, like ive lost a game but really i was the only
one playing the game in the FIRST place.
I think i give my life to God and then take it back at
least once a day. I really need to get that checked out.
I knew that keeping a blog for the last 6 years would come back to haunt me. I wonder if ill post blog entries from 2009 a few years from now and wonder what the hell went on in my brain.
As Becca Call once (34234 times) said, "Ohmygosh. That is so embarrassing."