resolve.

when i reflect on my walk with christ, ive seen alot more evidence of his presence in my heart than in my circumstances. i spend alot of time trying to save people and change people and get people to make better choices (by my own obscure standards) for their lives. the thing is, i also pray for these people and ask god to change their circumstances.

i have completely missed the meaning of life. 

there are mountains and valleys and the mountains are amazing and the valleys are supposed to suck. that is the nature of mountains and valleys. in valleys, you cant see beyond what is right in front of you. valleys are hopeless and there is no way out but through. 

when i reflect on my quarter century of life, the moments that have defined me have been equal parts mountain and valley. the mountains have been incredible, but the valleys have shaped the way i see the mountains. on the mountaintop, i see things clearly, i feel exuberant and hopeful and alive and free, there is nothing blocking my view of jesus. these places are often based on the condition of my heart being equal to my circumstances. 

but, oh the valleys! these are the places when my circumstances are often completely out of my control and the only thing i can do is pray for god to change the condition of my heart. and he does! he doesnt often change my circumstances (he can, and he sometimes will) because they are ordained to shape my heart. 

the point is, i have decided that i dont give a damn about circumstances in 2011. last year, i allowed my heart to completely depend on them (ex: we just won a trip on wheel of fortune! life is great!-- or, we just argued for three hours straight! life is horrible!). 

i just want to focus all of my efforts on being the person that God created me to be, and praying (not manipulating) for the people around me to be who He created them to be. 

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.  What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value.  I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection.  ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.” – Thomas Paine