i like

pretty wedding dresses and best friends wearing them.

on being married

But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion... But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy in both body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. (1 Cor 7: 8-9; 32-34)

 i do not have self control. it was better that i married. that, and i fell madly in love with a man i wanted to spend my whole life with. my interests are divided. as much as i hate to admit it, i am more concerned about the things of this world and how i can please my husband. i desperately need to feel loved by him, to feel like he is pleased with me. i am very independent. this is a hard realization. i am not entirely sure what to do with it. can we be honest for a second here? i fall prey to the beauty of pagan love. of mutual worship. and i know how easily it fails, but it looks so appealing from the outside. there were a few months before i met omar where i kind of wanted to be a nun, but i had already messed up and also did not completely understand catholicism. i have a naturally wayward heart. i cant get that thing to stay in one place to save my life. jesus can, but i forget to let him. i make it stay in the wrong place. the worship of a man. the balance of putting him before myself without putting him before jesus. this is impossibly hard for me to do. im trying.

growing pains

God has been speaking to me alot about criticism lately; the way i criticize and judge others and the way i am controlled by criticism from the people closest to me. i think both parts are making up the whole of this draining feeling ive had for the last few months.  this is more true than what i could say:

It's not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or when the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worth cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat. Theodore Roosevelt

the busiest month ever/not yet

 we are in the midst of the busiest month ever, which actually is much busier in theory than in action. we are officially 3 weeks away from graduation, 2 weeks away from being done with school, and 1 week from my best friend's wedding. ah! 

so, a week ago i started feeling nauseous at weird times throughout the day. and then it went on for three days. and then i realized that i miscalculated my ovulation days and we may have conceived our first child in a tent on the beach in california. we, especially omar and our bank account and signed teaching contract, are not at all in a place where this is the best timing. i decided to wait it out. then i started feeling absolutely exhausted and napping everyday. and my boobs felt more sore than they ever have ever. and i waited longer. then i couldnt wait anymore, and it was a week later and i was still feeling queasy for the majority of the day everyday. i may or may not have taken 2 pregnancy tests at this point, and was due for my period. and then i spotted slightly. and that was it. nothing else for an entire day. but then, then the glory day of stomach flu 2010 happened. and i spent saturday morning on the toilet, and the rest of the day whining and aching and whining and watching 7 consecutive movies while my abdomen squished into my knees and my husband watched in pity. it was the greatest stomach flu ever, because i suddenly realized that my queasy, tired, self was a direct result of my troop of an immune system and not, as omar would say, a little somethin-somethin hatching inside me. and then i bled my guts out (t.m.i.-sorry) and thanked god for knowing the best timing for us, and knowing that we are not quite emotionally, spiritually, or financially ready to be responsible for another life, and even though i had mapped out the next 18 years and would have been totally and completely okay with being a mama, the not yet is such a relieving feeling. someday soon, but not yet. 

on a completely unrelated note: its taken us 7 years to graduate college (due to 3.5 years taken off for marriage and ministry) and we are finally graduating!!!!!!!! and this time next year ill be finishing my masters degree!!!!

ramble bamble

you know that feeling when you desperately want to stop the clocks and live in the moment and simultaneously are pleading with time to speed up, to let you get past the hard and tiresome and straight into the rest, relaxation, and sense of accomplishment and then you realize that you are, once again, missing the beautiful moments happening right in front of you and you detail the whole ordeal in the worlds longest run-on sentence?

i used to be really good at being present. im not exactly sure what happened, but now it seems as though my mind and my heart are a million other places and im missing the goodness that is right in front of me. we are at such a  crossroad in our life right now, and so many things are about to change. we are graduating in a month, which means i have to start my teacher applications asap. both of my best friends are getting married in the next two months, and i dont want to miss this special time in their lives before their weddings. we looked at the law school that we feel like omar is supposed to go to, its beautiful:

i dont want to live in fear or excitement- but i feel both of those things so deeply. waiting fearfully and joyfully in expectation of whats to come and living directly and completely in the moment. conundrum.

to sum things up

i told this to omar on facebook today. it is a pretty good summary of our life right now:

"hi i love you you should take me out for sushi today because im a nice wife and were best friends forever and ever oh and i write really long run on sentences and last night i back spooned you for like 5 hours you little teddy bear. oh and i was going to work out today but then i realized that today is my cheat day. just like yesterday. and the day before. and the last 24 years."

 

{and then he actually did but he forgot his wallet so i had to pay but were married so whatever. and that earned him 3 more years of nonstop back spooning in which i use him as a heated teddy bear/body pillow and he gets the comfort of wearing me like a backpack for 6 or so hours a night. }

fight or flight

im really really really ridiculously good at falling in love. like, an expert. i have hurt many a people because of this ability to fall deeply in love, and complete lack of skill in staying there. i used to call it the four month rut. i would date someone for 4 to 5 months before i was overwhelmed with boredom and the desire to have constant butterflies in my stomach would take over and i would begin the cycle of falling in love all over again.

luckily for omar, he proposed at 5 months. and married me 7 months after that. i never had a chance to end the cycle because it was just too exciting. almost 3 years into this and he still has me wrapped around his finger. he is so unpredictable and passionate and comfortable and wild and it makes it so easy to stay on my toes while still keeping my feet firmly planted on the solid ground that he has provided. 

i dont really think that being skilled in falling in love is a good trait anymore. it doesnt take much to see someone at their best and love them. this commitment thing though? this is intense. this is the real "cant eat, cant sleep, reach for the stars, world series kind of stuff." we get to dream big dreams together, and then actually live them out. we bought a camera. it belongs to us. we have alot of things that belong to us. both of us. this is still new to me. im independent and wayward and im not very good at sharing. oh and im a runner. in special education we learn about kids like this; kids that cant handle stress or pressure so they (literally) run from situations that are too much for them. thats me. i get that. 

 

i guess this is kind of all over the place. and i guess i dont really care. i never want to forget the journey. i never want to forget what it feels like to grow up. or how i felt in the early years of our love, knowing that we chose to grow up together and watch our itty bitty dreams turn into big realities. 

 

{oh, weve got a long, long way to go to get there,

yeah, we'll get there}