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Today has left me reminiscent of this:
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
for the past month ive been dealing with some kind of weird depression. it came on without warrant, and may have been the result of hormones or something...but it has been somewhat difficult, particularly on my husband-who has handled me with patience and unconditional love.
ive asked God over and over again how someone with so much joy can plummet so quickly...and why?
and He never answered.
i got to the point that i wanted to escape from the stuff going on in my mind, and wondered if i should try to become an alcoholic or something (who does that????), but i dont particularly like alcohol, drugs, or anything that alters my mind- and thus, i was stuck.
around the same time this started, i started getting this weird image in my head. i probably cant do it justice by describing it, but ill try. the image comes, awake or asleep, night and day, for seconds, or for minutes. in it i am being carried, and i feel very small, and very very safe. i am an adult, but i am being carried like a child with my legs wrapped around the carrier's waist and my head on his shoulder. he is very strong and confident- he knows me well and seems to care about me a lot. his hand is on the back of my head and even though there are no other components in the image besides the two of us, i feel like i am being rescued, or taken away from a dangerous situation. when it happens at night, i wake up wanting to be held like that. when it happens during the day, i ask myself and God over and over again what it means, and again...
no answer.
I started to wonder whether this was the "dark night of my soul." ive heard stories of people who feel a constant presence of God in their heart and life, and then feel like He goes silent... st. john of the cross, thomas moore, or even mother theresa who experienced it for 49 years- up until a few weeks before her death.
questions, questions, questions, with no answers...
until last night.
omar and i were driving to the airport and i was feeling nauseous, so i had my head out the window. the image came, and for whatever reason i vowed to myself to stay focused on it until i knew why it was there. then, i became overwhelmed to the point that my eyes flooded with tears that were blowing back in my face because we were driving 65mph. again, words dont do it justice, but it was a combination of joy, safety, and an overbearing sense of belonging. i became, for the first time in my life, more focused on the figure than how the figure made me feel. he was so strong, and so focused, and so so protective. and, even though it should have been apparent to me weeks ago, i understood.
i understood the father heart of God, maybe not fully...but to a much greater extent than i have before. abba, father, papa, the notion that the creator of the universe cares more about his children than anything else. ive spent my whole life running, running, away from things/people that hurt me, away from myself, away from feelings of loneliness and abandonment. ive never felt more alone than i have the last month of my life...and yet, ive never felt more whole than i do right now. i am thankful for the people that have beared with me, who have taught me the depths of friendship and love, for the patient heart of my sweet, sweet, husband, to my friends who have held me up and pushed me forward, and ultimately, to my Lord who teaches me over and over again that its okay to not be okay, that there is more safety in honesty than in lies, that His arms are big enough to carry me with all of my issues, and everyone else's too.
when i got home last night, i felt like i should read Isaiah 46...this is what it said:
3 "Listen to me...
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.
4 Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
and that, is that.
ive asked God over and over again how someone with so much joy can plummet so quickly...and why?
and He never answered.
i got to the point that i wanted to escape from the stuff going on in my mind, and wondered if i should try to become an alcoholic or something (who does that????), but i dont particularly like alcohol, drugs, or anything that alters my mind- and thus, i was stuck.
around the same time this started, i started getting this weird image in my head. i probably cant do it justice by describing it, but ill try. the image comes, awake or asleep, night and day, for seconds, or for minutes. in it i am being carried, and i feel very small, and very very safe. i am an adult, but i am being carried like a child with my legs wrapped around the carrier's waist and my head on his shoulder. he is very strong and confident- he knows me well and seems to care about me a lot. his hand is on the back of my head and even though there are no other components in the image besides the two of us, i feel like i am being rescued, or taken away from a dangerous situation. when it happens at night, i wake up wanting to be held like that. when it happens during the day, i ask myself and God over and over again what it means, and again...
no answer.
I started to wonder whether this was the "dark night of my soul." ive heard stories of people who feel a constant presence of God in their heart and life, and then feel like He goes silent... st. john of the cross, thomas moore, or even mother theresa who experienced it for 49 years- up until a few weeks before her death.
questions, questions, questions, with no answers...
until last night.
omar and i were driving to the airport and i was feeling nauseous, so i had my head out the window. the image came, and for whatever reason i vowed to myself to stay focused on it until i knew why it was there. then, i became overwhelmed to the point that my eyes flooded with tears that were blowing back in my face because we were driving 65mph. again, words dont do it justice, but it was a combination of joy, safety, and an overbearing sense of belonging. i became, for the first time in my life, more focused on the figure than how the figure made me feel. he was so strong, and so focused, and so so protective. and, even though it should have been apparent to me weeks ago, i understood.
i understood the father heart of God, maybe not fully...but to a much greater extent than i have before. abba, father, papa, the notion that the creator of the universe cares more about his children than anything else. ive spent my whole life running, running, away from things/people that hurt me, away from myself, away from feelings of loneliness and abandonment. ive never felt more alone than i have the last month of my life...and yet, ive never felt more whole than i do right now. i am thankful for the people that have beared with me, who have taught me the depths of friendship and love, for the patient heart of my sweet, sweet, husband, to my friends who have held me up and pushed me forward, and ultimately, to my Lord who teaches me over and over again that its okay to not be okay, that there is more safety in honesty than in lies, that His arms are big enough to carry me with all of my issues, and everyone else's too.
when i got home last night, i felt like i should read Isaiah 46...this is what it said:
3 "Listen to me...
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.
4 Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
and that, is that.
How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God?
And that is what we are! (1 John 3:1)
3 comments:
Allie- I just love you!!! I don't know what I would have done with out this last semster you have helped me develop my skills in school but also as a teacher. You are a wonderful person and I love reading your post. I admire your love for God and you always help me to remember to turn to him for all my answers sometimes it might be hard but no matter what he is always in our lives. Thanks for being such a great friend and being there for me these past 9 months I am grateful to have you in my life!
I envy at the beauty of your writing! xo.
Simply Amazing! Thank you for sharing!
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