a knot and a battle.

i finally tied my hair in a knot on the top of my head! just hair! no pins! ive been wanting to do this since i saw it in a book when i was six. and i look like a fish in the picture! today is such an epic day!

in other news, i need to get my priorities straight. and then take those priorities and shuffle them up again so i can make sure that im not wasting my life. im failing beautifully at being a star student at school right now, and its not because i dont care. i just really enjoy procrastinating and have so much on my plate,

exhibit a:

and im trying to find purpose in being present, but how can i be everywhere at once? and how much will the things i spend my time on matter when im dead? i know thats a little grave, but i find myself literally obsessing over little details of life and missing all the big stuff. just been doing a lot of heart searching and asking myself why i do the things i do, and if i come up with any answer but LOVE then i have to find a way to cut it out of my life. period. which is about as much fun as... umm... something that really sucks.

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?

Mark 8:35-36

everythings amazing and nobodys happy

fullness of perfection

“He is half blessed man left to be finished by such as she and she is fair divided excellence whose fullness of perfection lies in him”

-William Shakesphere

 

3

 august 26, 2008

 

i have a list with 26 names on it. it should really only have 3. only 3 have changed me, shaped me, amazed me.
one still does, and will always.
the other 23 were there to fill the gaps, the gaps between who i am and who im supposed to be, to teach me how not to do things.
one broke me quickly and carefully ordered my steps, my legs wobbling, my heart still bleeding from the pain of healing, one so patient, so revolutionary, that more than 500 would later show up to honor him- a man who lived beyond the limits of this life, and whose selflessness captivated people all over the world, and yet was somehow used in my small, broken, life to piece me together, to make me whole. the mouth that God used to call me His own.
the second wandered awkwardly into my life from a door accidentally left open. this one approached too soon, but without warrant, rewrote truth across everything i had miswritten. i was falling, fast, fast, fast, and he was the speedbump- the reason to reexamine. the way i had treated others, but mostly the way i treated myself. this one taught me the value of not handing my heart out like candy on halloween, that there is more to all of this than what is in front of me. this one, and only this one, gave me vision and clarity for everything that would come. this one taught me that there was something so genuine, so real, that to experience it elsewhere would be to pass it by, that there was something out there worth waiting for.
lastly- the one. the one in the next chair over, the one that appeared many times right under my nose, the answer to everything i had ever asked or hoped for. the knight in metallic blue armor that would envelop me in his affections, would completely captivate my heart before i could pause to realize what was happening. the knowing. the way things were supposed to be and couldve been had Eve stayed away from the tree. the one that required the very thing that i knew nothing about, but am quickly learning. the patient, patient, one whose soul has been matched with mine.

it seems that completion always comes in three. that entities are somewhat incomplete unless they coexist with two other parts, at least in this case.

my tribute to the people that have changed my life would ideally be chronological, but it does not seem to be unfolding as such. it seems that oftentimes people can be very far away before you realize their value, but when you do- you do.

"a no-name slob"

the cat i never wanted is curled up at my feet with his tail over his eyes, all four paws wrapped around my leg, and his cold, wet, nose squished between my toes.

he is exactly my kind of cat, except that i never wanted him.

omar and i took several quizzes and compatibility surveys before we got married. the one and only that we agreed on completely, every time: NO PETS. having come from pet-filled households, we both have experienced the hard work that goes into caring for a creature, and weve both felt the pain of losing one we loved dearly. we appreciate people that have pets, grant them kudos, and recognize that we are not pet-people. we like humans. like eachother. or our friends. or babies. or strangers. anything but pets.

HOWEVER,

we offered to cat-sit our friends blue eyed bundle of baby kitten for a few weeks while she figured out her living situation. she never came back to get him. that was a year and a half ago.

and thus was born our joyful little lover of a cat. that im still allergic to. that we tried to give away on myspace. that is fast asleep with my foot as his pillow. he's a calm cat that doesnt ask for alot besides food once a day, an open toilet to drink from, and cuddles. lots of cuddles.

oh, and he is the prettiest cat that ever lived. and humble too. please don't tell him how good-looking he is, we dont want him to get a big head.

by the way, he doesnt have a name (think Breakfast at Tiffany's). we just call him "kitty."

Without you

 Since my birth 8786 days ago,

My heart has beaten more than 910828800 times.

 Since your birth 4555 days ago,

Your heart has beaten more than 472262400 times.

You.

Everything that I always wanted to be but never was.

And somehow still, everything I am.

But mostly, everything you are.

 How in the world did I live 4231 days without you, little sister?

Opacity and the man i love

The sweetest love is to see right through everything and into his soul. To see past his masks, short-comings, flaws, and mistakes and into the deepest places of his heart, and still be completely enamored with him.

I believe that is why the love of God is so miraculous,

fully known,

and yet;

fully loved.