on being married

But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion... But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy in both body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. (1 Cor 7: 8-9; 32-34)

 i do not have self control. it was better that i married. that, and i fell madly in love with a man i wanted to spend my whole life with. my interests are divided. as much as i hate to admit it, i am more concerned about the things of this world and how i can please my husband. i desperately need to feel loved by him, to feel like he is pleased with me. i am very independent. this is a hard realization. i am not entirely sure what to do with it. can we be honest for a second here? i fall prey to the beauty of pagan love. of mutual worship. and i know how easily it fails, but it looks so appealing from the outside. there were a few months before i met omar where i kind of wanted to be a nun, but i had already messed up and also did not completely understand catholicism. i have a naturally wayward heart. i cant get that thing to stay in one place to save my life. jesus can, but i forget to let him. i make it stay in the wrong place. the worship of a man. the balance of putting him before myself without putting him before jesus. this is impossibly hard for me to do. im trying.