Friday, November 27, 2009
at least 4 times a day, i think about running away. i get the wandering blues, and off my heart goes trying to rescue itself from whatever it thinks is trying to cage it. i panic, i feel like my wings are being clipped and tagged and im going to be stationary forever, and i feel myself losing control, saying things i dont mean, hoping for things i dont want, and trying my best to just BE. but just being is really really hard for me, the thorn in my flesh, the thing that suffocates my joy because i cant just be content and present, my soul is always elsewhere and i scream for freedom and forget that ive already been given that. i am already free to love and heal and forgive and trust and desire all the right things. the chains of my human nature have already been cut, and if i could just remember that in the moments where i picture myself running through fields in places that dont exist and with people who ive built up to the point that they are imaginary, if i could just bask in the freedom that comes with knowing christ and not listen to the voices that tell me to abandon everything He has given me, if i could just find a middle ground in the discrepancy between the capacity of this life and the tangible goodness right in front of me, then i would have no reason to escape from the things that arent even holding me back in the first place. some people are birds and some people are trees, and there are some people that are birds who try to be trees but really are not trees, they are really made to be birds and to figure out that there is a time to fly and a time to find a tree and rest. im just really bad at the resting part.