on withholding good

"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is within the power of your hand to do so."
Proverbs 3:27

i've had several negative experiences in the last few months that have prompted this post. one of them was yesterday while i was talking to my sweet neighbor. she is a loving human and a wonderful parent. when i told her that we were trying to get our foster care license she said, "why? those kids are really messed up."
over the last few months we've had several people come into our classroom of kids with severe physical and mental disabilities and although we have done everything in our power to create the most inviting room possible, they let us know at the end of the day that they didn't realize they were going to be working with "these kinds of kids" and that they were out of their comfort zone.

thought: i have been working with people with special needs for five years now. i still do not feel comfortable. love, acceptance, excitement, anticipation, joy, gratitude, hope, amusement, inspiration, shock, awe- but not comfortable.
should we keep human beings from good because of our own discomfort? is this ever acceptable? maybe the point of life is not to nestle ourselves as deep as possible into our comfort zones.
people of the world, hear me on this- TAKE RISKS. step outside of your zone of comfort and LIVE. every good thing involves risk. the decision to believe that all human beings are worthy of love, and that it is in your power to love them, will reshape every single aspect of your life. i know that it has for mine. i have known many, many people who started to experience life because they were brave enough to be uncomfortable. i have friends who just moved to thailand as missionaries. they were not seeking comfort, they were seeking fullness of life. it is rare to have both.

i am not the boss of life.

at some point, probably a little before my birth, i decided that i was the boss of life. i started dictating the world around me at a young age, and that worked fine because i was an only child and i was only bossing inanimate objects. recently, it has come to my attention that i have a lot of thoughts and ideas and opinions and feelings, and ive subconsciously decided that i know everything at the ripe old age of 26. as it turns out, i dont know everything. i know very little about a few things. thinking im the boss of life has had a few positive ramifications, but mostly it has made me frantic and stressed. apparently i can't control everything and everyone in my environment (damn those people that change lanes without blinkers!). i really just want the whole world to follow my made up rules about living.
i have a hard time finding the balance between influencing people in a positive way (everyone should go to www.toms.com and buy the cutest, most comfortable shoes ever- such a good cause!) and feeling entitled to pressure people into making decisions. maybe its because hard decisions are hard to make, and ive rarely made them without encouragement from others. anyway, its exhausting. im hoping and praying that jesus will reach in and clean out my heart and make me trust him and learn how to stop trying to control my world.

just the facts- foster edition

today we completed day 5 of our foster care training. i am halfway (after three hours--just tonight, in addition to the other 4 days) through with the paperwork process which involves so much more than just paperwork.
so far, we love our agency.
did i mention that we are getting licensed in treatment foster care? to qualify, children have to have a medical diagnosis of some kind and are in need of healing. we were trained in how to deal with minor to severe behaviors and to love kids into healing. the process for this is a little bit more extensive than typical foster care, but the support is much greater. we truly believe that our agency loves kids and has their best interest in mind, which is contrary to much of what is believed about regular state foster care. we are still praying for the children that will live in our home, and trying to trust God in the many question marks. in the deepest parts of my heart, the ultimate goal is adoption. its scary to type that out because the mentality behind that puts us at great risk for disappointment. we also want to ensure that we are loving the hell out of every kid, even if their ultimate plan is to be reunified with their biological parents. our goal is to make a permanent difference in the life of a child, regardless of what their future holds.
i love watching omar's interest in finding out the ages of every kid he meets and how he interacts with them in such a loving, genuine, positive way. he is the best dad ive ever met and he doesnt even have kids yet.
still praying for a little boy, omar desperately needs an excuse to buy the new transformer toys.

watch that fratboy

this is a conversation from june of 2005 with my best friend, whitney. oh man. thank you, Jesus, for giving me her and for the infinite ways You have blessed our friendship.

Kissinpixiedust: i heard you were putting your first name with deans last name
Kissinpixiedust: WTF
Tardass752: okay I am having horrible flash backs of chad
Tardass752: lol
Kissinpixiedust: chad is a good thing in retrospect
Tardass752: that means where's the funk right
Tardass752: only in retrospect
Kissinpixiedust: whitney the freak
Tardass752: wally the frog
Kissinpixiedust: white toe fungus
Tardass752: winnie the fool
Kissinpixiedust: where the food
Kissinpixiedust: watch that fratboy
Tardass752: wear tight fruit
Kissinpixiedust: wash tibetan flags
Tardass752: whine to fred
Kissinpixiedust: your mom
Tardass752: no i don't think that is it
Kissinpixiedust: we jsut spent the entire day and night together. and now were tlakign on aim. thats pathetic
Tardass752: yup its official..... who needs a boyfriend
Tardass752: we wouldnt have time for one
Kissinpixiedust: what would we even do with one
Tardass752: pay each other to dump him I guess
Tardass752: next ones we date...lets let them be the absolute wrong guy
Tardass752: just for kicks
Tardass752: like you date kyle and ill date mike
Tardass752: or sean carmona
Tardass752: or your dad
Tardass752: or greg
Tardass752: and you date ....
Tardass752: jon mamies
Kissinpixiedust: can i just date dean
Kissinpixiedust: hes totally the wrong guy
Kissinpixiedust: cmon please
Tardass752: and then we can go get fake brontisoruos tattos
Tardass752: because we will be fake dating
Tardass752: then you will definatly have those shoes!!!
Kissinpixiedust: OKAY
Kissinpixiedust: lets do it
Kissinpixiedust: no ksising or holding hands though
Tardass752: ewww gross
Tardass752: I would never kiss you
Kissinpixiedust: i thought we were talking about DEAN
Kissinpixiedust: idiot
Tardass752: I am still uncontrolably laughing
Tardass752: I am the funniest person i know
Kissinpixiedust: at least someone thinks so.
Tardass752: I think the loratabs are finally kicking in

.30 cent dishes and 28 bottles of lotion

in preparation for the impending (sometime in the next six months) arrival of our (for a time) little boy (or girl, or boys and girls), we have had to take on every single room of our house. yesterday, i bought cute sailboat dishes at michael's for .30 cents each, because apparently kids break glass ones? today im cleaning out the hallway bathroom (formally known as my bathroom, home of 28 bottles of lotion). kidproofing a house is not for the faint at heart. especially if you have never met the kid and have no idea what age they are or if they have a history of vandalizing or pica (eating non-food materials). try it sometime. the anticipation is ridiculous. and you have no idea what youre anticipating until they get here. imagine being pregnant and maybe youre having a little baby but maybe youre having two 7 year old boys. its kind of like that. ambigous love that can only currently be expressed through sorting through every toxic item you own and only keeping what can fit in a small locked closet.

on foster parenting

there is a little boy who lives in my mind and probably in my city. there are moments when i think i know his name and face. when i pass kids in the hallways of my school, i wonder if he looks like them. i wonder if he is them.

i know that he is broken.

i know that we are being called to hold him until he is whole again.

i know that since we started the process of getting our foster care license last week, i can think of little else. 

there is a pile of rocket ships and dinosaurs and snowboard pjs. there is a list of 38 things that have to happen before we are able to take a child into our home. 

i baked pumpkin bread yesterday, because moms do stuff like that. 

foster parenting is tricky and right. it is what we are being called to do, and somebody will get hurt because in foster parenting, somebody always loses. i hope to do everything in my power to make sure that somebody is not an innocent little boy. (or girl, or sibling pair) 

what a wild life!

I just haven't met you yet.

Has nobody noticed that Michael Buble was totally talking about foster parenting/ adoption when he wrote this:

"I might have to wait, I’ll never give up
I guess it's half timin and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazin
And baby your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet"