Now that I have seen

Once upon a time, I had no idea about people with disabilities, only that they existed in the cracks of life, and that I didn't want to stare at them too long because it would be rude. I had no idea about the power of the love of God, and how His love compels people to do remarkable, world-changing things.

And then I knew. The two collided, and I knew everything I had ever wondered about my purpose and vision for my life and for our world. And, yet I still know nothing. I have no idea what im doing, but im doing it for Him and I think that's all that matters.

Three years ago, I went to Younglife camp for the first time. I was already a Younglife leader, and was excited about being a part of such a dynamic, authentic ministry. I was stoked about meeting high school kids in the midst of their craziness, and providing them with the opportunity to have fullness of life by sharing life with them and telling them how much God loves them and wants a relationship with them.

My Younglife girl, Katie and I hiked up the side of a mountain carrying a rope and a tether that would enable us to fly over the lake on the longest zipline in the country. We raced up the mountain, gasping for breath, excited to step off the edge of a rock and fly through the air into the unknown. And then we stopped in our tracks. At the rock was a man who couldn't have been much older than I was, and a highschool aged boy who couldn't have been much younger than Katie. It was evident that the boy had down syndrome, and was terrified to go down the zipline. The line at the bottom got longer, as the man, the boy's leader, encouraged and prayed for the boy with more passion than I had ever encountered in my 20 year old life. I have no recollection of what was said or how much time passed(at least an hour) and there are not enough words in my vocabulary to describe what took place in my heart on top of that mountain that day, but it changed everything.

When a person has an encounter with the divine, it is a blessing and a curse. The blessing lies in the experience itself, witnessing such a beautiful, God-ordained moment. The curse, though, is an incredible burden wrapped up in a question: now that I have seen this, what do I do?

I didn't know how to answer that question, but I came home and changed my college major to Special Education. My best friend and I met with people and went to trainings and wrote prayer letters, and did everything in our power to start Younglife's ministry for high school kids with disabilities in our area. And nothing happened. We got wrapped up in life, and ministry, oh, and I married my soulmate somewhere along the line, and three years passed and there I was with a wonderful life and marriage and almost finished with my Special Education degree but still wondering what God wanted from my life. And all I could think about was how much I want to use my life to love people with disabilities, people who are often only considered in the cracks of life, but who have immeasurable worth and deserve fullness of life and the love of God in the same way that everyone else does, maybe more.

And that brings us to today. Two days away from having our first Younglife Capernaum Club (ours is called The Roof). I have tears in my eyes as I write that. This is my heart, to spend my life loving, serving, and celebrating life with high school kids with disabilities through the ministry of Younglife. I've gotten to know so many wonderful kids in the last few years through teaching, and my heart is exploding with joy and anxiety and appreciation and hope as God moves through this new adventure.

(Kevin, who eventually went down the zipline/ changed my life)

If you'd like to help us "Raise the Roof" (haha), you can pray for:

-Leaders with serving hearts

-Highschool kids that want to hang out with and love their peers with disabilities

-Kids with disabilities to come and have the time of their lives!

-Parents of kids with disabilities to come alongside us, want their kids involved, experience God's love through their kids' involvement in Capernaum

-Funds to pay for The Roof club details (food, prizes, etc.) and for scholarships for kids to go to camp

-And that our ministry would open the floodgates for all people, especially Christians, to recognize the value and worth in people with disabilities

Dear Miley, Thanks.

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

a knot and a battle.

i finally tied my hair in a knot on the top of my head! just hair! no pins! ive been wanting to do this since i saw it in a book when i was six. and i look like a fish in the picture! today is such an epic day!

in other news, i need to get my priorities straight. and then take those priorities and shuffle them up again so i can make sure that im not wasting my life. im failing beautifully at being a star student at school right now, and its not because i dont care. i just really enjoy procrastinating and have so much on my plate,

exhibit a:

and im trying to find purpose in being present, but how can i be everywhere at once? and how much will the things i spend my time on matter when im dead? i know thats a little grave, but i find myself literally obsessing over little details of life and missing all the big stuff. just been doing a lot of heart searching and asking myself why i do the things i do, and if i come up with any answer but LOVE then i have to find a way to cut it out of my life. period. which is about as much fun as... umm... something that really sucks.

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?

Mark 8:35-36

everythings amazing and nobodys happy

fullness of perfection

“He is half blessed man left to be finished by such as she and she is fair divided excellence whose fullness of perfection lies in him”

-William Shakesphere

 

3

 august 26, 2008

 

i have a list with 26 names on it. it should really only have 3. only 3 have changed me, shaped me, amazed me.
one still does, and will always.
the other 23 were there to fill the gaps, the gaps between who i am and who im supposed to be, to teach me how not to do things.
one broke me quickly and carefully ordered my steps, my legs wobbling, my heart still bleeding from the pain of healing, one so patient, so revolutionary, that more than 500 would later show up to honor him- a man who lived beyond the limits of this life, and whose selflessness captivated people all over the world, and yet was somehow used in my small, broken, life to piece me together, to make me whole. the mouth that God used to call me His own.
the second wandered awkwardly into my life from a door accidentally left open. this one approached too soon, but without warrant, rewrote truth across everything i had miswritten. i was falling, fast, fast, fast, and he was the speedbump- the reason to reexamine. the way i had treated others, but mostly the way i treated myself. this one taught me the value of not handing my heart out like candy on halloween, that there is more to all of this than what is in front of me. this one, and only this one, gave me vision and clarity for everything that would come. this one taught me that there was something so genuine, so real, that to experience it elsewhere would be to pass it by, that there was something out there worth waiting for.
lastly- the one. the one in the next chair over, the one that appeared many times right under my nose, the answer to everything i had ever asked or hoped for. the knight in metallic blue armor that would envelop me in his affections, would completely captivate my heart before i could pause to realize what was happening. the knowing. the way things were supposed to be and couldve been had Eve stayed away from the tree. the one that required the very thing that i knew nothing about, but am quickly learning. the patient, patient, one whose soul has been matched with mine.

it seems that completion always comes in three. that entities are somewhat incomplete unless they coexist with two other parts, at least in this case.

my tribute to the people that have changed my life would ideally be chronological, but it does not seem to be unfolding as such. it seems that oftentimes people can be very far away before you realize their value, but when you do- you do.

"a no-name slob"

the cat i never wanted is curled up at my feet with his tail over his eyes, all four paws wrapped around my leg, and his cold, wet, nose squished between my toes.

he is exactly my kind of cat, except that i never wanted him.

omar and i took several quizzes and compatibility surveys before we got married. the one and only that we agreed on completely, every time: NO PETS. having come from pet-filled households, we both have experienced the hard work that goes into caring for a creature, and weve both felt the pain of losing one we loved dearly. we appreciate people that have pets, grant them kudos, and recognize that we are not pet-people. we like humans. like eachother. or our friends. or babies. or strangers. anything but pets.

HOWEVER,

we offered to cat-sit our friends blue eyed bundle of baby kitten for a few weeks while she figured out her living situation. she never came back to get him. that was a year and a half ago.

and thus was born our joyful little lover of a cat. that im still allergic to. that we tried to give away on myspace. that is fast asleep with my foot as his pillow. he's a calm cat that doesnt ask for alot besides food once a day, an open toilet to drink from, and cuddles. lots of cuddles.

oh, and he is the prettiest cat that ever lived. and humble too. please don't tell him how good-looking he is, we dont want him to get a big head.

by the way, he doesnt have a name (think Breakfast at Tiffany's). we just call him "kitty."