Dreamy

Last night in the car I started thinking about my "dream life." Like, the one that I have never thought about before, because, I dont know, fear or deeply rooted psychological issues or or or. Anyway, here it is, for documentations sake.

So hopefully someday ill look back and say, "Dang, I dreamed so small."

I want to live by the beach (like biking distance), preferably in California, in a somewhat small, old, house that we have fixed up ourselves. One with a space for a garden and room for a hammock or tire swing in the backyard, preferably. Oh, and I want beach cruisers, or a tandem.

And, yeah, okay, I want 5 million kids, but ideally, I'd like to have three or four of our own and adopt a couple too. Really. My heart breaks and beats for adoption. AND since this is my dream life, im going to go ahead and say that i'd like two or three girls and a boy we made ourselves. And two adopted babies. African American and South American ones. And I want to raise our children to know that they are infinitely loved, accepted, and wanted, by God and by us. I want them to grow up knowing that they have a purpose and place in this world. And I want to let them eat ice cream for breakfast sometimes and keep them home from school every once in a while so we can play with chalk or build sandcastles.

And I'd like to work in full time ministry. Preferably as a staff person for a church or for Younglife Capernaum ministries. Something ideally to do with people with disabilities or youth ministry. I really just want use my life to show people how much God loves them.

And I want to be happily married to Omar for all the days of my life. I want to grow with him and because of him and continue to journey through this life together. I want him to do what he loves and have a job that gives him purpose and meaning. I want him to know the importance of his role as the father to our children, and I want to see him grow in his love for Christ and people. I want us to be more in love at 75 then we are now.


Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

and thats all that really matters anyway.

Her, here, too.

So, its her here.

You know, the girl who has been missing for the last year or two.

The girl who was afraid to be herself because of,.... no reason. Just afraid, I think. Too many people to impress. Anyway, just wanted to let you (myself) know that im baaaaaaaaack, or at least im trying to get back. And quite possibly will get back, because summer has a way of making me very, very, alive. I am currently redefining "home," both literally and spiritually. Its pretty intense. I get to spend my days "finding myself" and creating and loving humans and isnt that what the hokey pokey is really all about anyway? Hopefully I learn to cook and I make lots of cool stuff out of other peoples trash, and hopefully if I suck at both of those things, I dont beat myself up for it. I just really want to be the best part of myself, all the time, and there have been times where I have been but then they go away, and I just want them to stay. So, I invited them to hang out for the summer, and just be. By the way, I love you. I hope the fact that i've been a selfish, stuck-up, lazy, too busy, crazy for a little while hasnt scared you off. Sorry.

A tribute to Jessica

I have waited for the appropriate time to do this tribute, and at 3:45 this morning, the time was right.

My best friend, Jessica, and I have known eachother for six years. Our friendship started off rough because she tried to steal my life when I was in Europe, or so I thought. She started hanging out with my closest friend at the time, which was actually a godsend. Through some careful manipulation on His part, Jessica and I ended up hanging out. The first time we spent time together one-on-one, we emptied all the change out of my car, went to Denny's, bought milkshakes, and played board games.
We did outlandish, spontaneous, childish, wonderful things everytime we hung out. (Still do)
She is the only person I have ever known who would accompany me in buying a unicorn kite at eleven o'clock at night, take it to the park, and fly it while running through the sprinklers and blasting Spice Girls from the car stereo.

Jessica is the kind of friend every person dreams of having.

She is my sister forever and easily the best friend that I have ever had; in six years, her loyalty and love has not run out or grown weary. Not even once.


She has stood by my side in each and every joy and challenge, embracing them as her own but providing endless encouragement and support.

She is the most genuine, candid, caring, human being in the world, and anyone who has ever crossed her path can vouch for that.



And this morning, she got engaged to a wonderful young man who is absolutely perfect for her. Mostly because they have a cumulative height of about 9 feet. Just kidding.

Jess, thank you for being you.

worth a thousand words

I dont know how I found time to do this, but it has been pretty therapeutic. and really fun. and there is no other reason.


1. a picture of you in your room.

(clearly not my actual room, but a pretty accurate display of what my room usually looks like. )

2. a picture with someone you don't actually like.



3. a picture of you very drunk.

(I realize that it said very drunk, but I dont remember the last time I got very drunk and took pictures of it. Or got very drunk at all. So here is one of me about to get very dunked. Hope that counts.)

4. a picture of you on your birthday, or your favorite holiday.



5. the youngest picture you can find of yourself in digital form.




6. a picture of you in one of your favorite outfits.




7. a picture of you making a goofy face at the camera.




8. a picture you miiiiiight have edited to make yourself more attractive.






9. a picture of a night you regret.




10. a picture of you truly being yourself.




11. the most recent picture of you.


12. a picture of you being absolutely ridiculous.




13. a picture of you showing off a new haircut/color.


14. a picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't.




15. a picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is.



16. a picture of you when you were anything but happy...



17. a picture of you that you had no idea was being taken.



18. a picture of you when you were a different person than you are now.



19. a picture of you with someone you love.




20. a picture of how you'd like the world to see you.



21. a picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day.



22. a picture of a time when everything was changing.



23. a picture that makes your heart hurt.



24. a picture that makes your heart smile.



25. A picture of one of the best nights of your life. (or day)



Okay! It's your turn. I want to see your 25. 1,2,3 GO!

Rules

Today, one of my students, C, who has autism, wrote this little ditty:

God is a great guy.
He gives you the chance to be a saint and to stand near him
And hold his hand and not let go.
Satan wants you to lose
But God wants you to win!
Keep on trying and pushing for better things,
and to follow the path of Christ being the best you can be
and more.
There are alot of rules in life.
Rule number one:
LOVE GOD
Number two:
LOVE EVERYONE
Number three:
LOVE YOURSELF
These rules will make you a better person.
My rules are: Never join Satan or else. Its bad to go that way, God was there for you your whole life...Satan is not.
That is all i'm saying.

Love the earth
Do not hate
LOVE
Love Jesus
Love your family
Recycle- it saves energy.

-C.B.

How to lose five pounds in 3 days without working out

Step 1- Plan a trip to California with your BFF to see your friend graduate.

Step 2- Get some weird sniffles and sneezes the day before you leave. Take some allergy medicine. Feel dizzy and weird. Attribute it to the allergy medicine. Sleep.

Step 3- Wake up early on Friday morning, packed and ready for the ultimate beach weekend.

Step 4- Drive to California. Create the best playlist ever. Enjoy spending quality time with your best friend. Sneeze some more. Take some more allergy medicine. Feel dizzy again. Sneeze so much so that your beach pictures start to look more like this:



than like this:

Step 5- Feel dizzy and awful, but go to IKEA and let your BFF push you around in a wheelchair. Go to her uncle's house.

Step 6- Once at your best friend's uncle's house, ask for a thermometer. Discover that your temperature is almost 104 degrees. Feel shaky and delirious and awful.

Step 7- Stay up most of the night with horrible pain, awful fever, and chills. Have your best friend take care of you all night. Cry.

Step 8- Wake up. Feel a little better. Decide to go to the graduation. Wait 5 minutes. Feel awful again. Decide to make the four hour drive home.

Step 9- Scrunch yourself up into a ball for four hours. Whimper a little. Feel too hot and too cold.

Step 10- Get home. Cry. Cry more. Call your husband. Demand that he come straight home. Call your mom to come take care of you for the first time in your adult life.

Step 11- Take 1284932 baths to reduce your fever. Debate going to the hospital. Throw up everything. Take fever reducer. Throw it up. Throw up some more.

Step 12- Feel so so so so so grateful for your mom and best friend and husband.

Step 13- Repeat for two days. Eventually develop a croup like cough, go to the doctor, find out that you have an ear infection, throat infection, chest infection, and dangerously low pulse.

Step 14- Spend 15 minutes whining on your blog so you can document such an eventful weekend.

Step 15- Wish that you were still doing this:

It was then that I carried you

Today has left me reminiscent of this:

Saturday, September 20, 2008

for the past month ive been dealing with some kind of weird depression. it came on without warrant, and may have been the result of hormones or something...but it has been somewhat difficult, particularly on my husband-who has handled me with patience and unconditional love.

ive asked God over and over again how someone with so much joy can plummet so quickly...and why?

and He never answered.

i got to the point that i wanted to escape from the stuff going on in my mind, and wondered if i should try to become an alcoholic or something (who does that????), but i dont particularly like alcohol, drugs, or anything that alters my mind- and thus, i was stuck.

around the same time this started, i started getting this weird image in my head. i probably cant do it justice by describing it, but ill try. the image comes, awake or asleep, night and day, for seconds, or for minutes. in it i am being carried, and i feel very small, and very very safe. i am an adult, but i am being carried like a child with my legs wrapped around the carrier's waist and my head on his shoulder. he is very strong and confident- he knows me well and seems to care about me a lot. his hand is on the back of my head and even though there are no other components in the image besides the two of us, i feel like i am being rescued, or taken away from a dangerous situation. when it happens at night, i wake up wanting to be held like that. when it happens during the day, i ask myself and God over and over again what it means, and again...

no answer.

I started to wonder whether this was the "dark night of my soul." ive heard stories of people who feel a constant presence of God in their heart and life, and then feel like He goes silent... st. john of the cross, thomas moore, or even mother theresa who experienced it for 49 years- up until a few weeks before her death.

questions, questions, questions, with no answers...

until last night.

omar and i were driving to the airport and i was feeling nauseous, so i had my head out the window. the image came, and for whatever reason i vowed to myself to stay focused on it until i knew why it was there. then, i became overwhelmed to the point that my eyes flooded with tears that were blowing back in my face because we were driving 65mph. again, words dont do it justice, but it was a combination of joy, safety, and an overbearing sense of belonging. i became, for the first time in my life, more focused on the figure than how the figure made me feel. he was so strong, and so focused, and so so protective. and, even though it should have been apparent to me weeks ago, i understood.

i understood the father heart of God, maybe not fully...but to a much greater extent than i have before. abba, father, papa, the notion that the creator of the universe cares more about his children than anything else. ive spent my whole life running, running, away from things/people that hurt me, away from myself, away from feelings of loneliness and abandonment. ive never felt more alone than i have the last month of my life...and yet, ive never felt more whole than i do right now. i am thankful for the people that have beared with me, who have taught me the depths of friendship and love, for the patient heart of my sweet, sweet, husband, to my friends who have held me up and pushed me forward, and ultimately, to my Lord who teaches me over and over again that its okay to not be okay, that there is more safety in honesty than in lies, that His arms are big enough to carry me with all of my issues, and everyone else's too.


when i got home last night, i felt like i should read Isaiah 46...this is what it said:
3 "Listen to me...
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.

4 Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

and that, is that.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God?

And that is what we are! (1 John 3:1)