a letter to my husband on the eve of our graduation

baba,
we sat in an overpriced coffee shop in a fancy hotel with your spanish-speaking venezuelan aunt, your brother, and your plate of crab legs. i still wasnt sure what to think of you- you spoke spanish! and your cracked your crab legs with your hands! i didnt know then that you stick your gum on the counter when you think you are going to use it again. you reset your odometer everytime you get gas. you brush your teeth for much longer than the average person, and you have a beautiful singing voice that sounds most akin to the lovechild of mark hoppus and david crowder. before i knew any of that, there, in that cafe, we picked significant numbers and played a mean game of keno, the only money i have ever won gambling. four dollars. those four dollars shaped our future together more than almost any other tangible item. we made a decision for our small spark of love that night- that we would use the money wisely. and only one dollar every ten years. you folded up all four, and stuck them safely in the credit card section of your wallet. then, you found a piece of paper napkin and a stubby keno pencil and began to create our first list. that night, we decided that we would get married, but not yet. we had to do alot of things first. we made plans to visit venezuela together, and to finish school, and on that not-quite-proverbial piece of napkin we wrote that we would get married, only after we graduated college. we both had 1 and a half years left. were backwards people, you and i, we make alot of plans and forget all about them. im going to go ahead and attribute 100% of the reasoning behind that to our Creator. in any case, we forgot to graduate college first and got married instead. which prolonged our graduation and had me wondering if either one of us would ever walk across that stage, diploma in hand. and now, here we are, the eve of our graduation, our caps placed neatly side by side on the table, our robes hanging in the hallway, and that elated smile on your face everytime i mention anything about tomorrow morning- because it hasnt been easy for either one of us. we have both fought off our demons, worked our butts off to pay for this, stayed up late late late into the night studying and finishing projects, fought to the death to finally, finally, get to this point. we did it! we did what only 28% of americans have done! im the first female in my family to do what we are going to do tomorrow morning! you moved here from another country, learned a whole new language, and are now graduating with a degree that requires a vocabulary i could only hope to understand! i am so proud of you and i am so excited to walk with you across the stage tomorrow, and for the rest of our lives. i love you, pal.

love,
babas

from summer to summer

ive always lived from one summer to the next. im a big fan of freedom and not having a schedule, so summer works really well. i have alot of thoughts and ideas about this summer, the summer after college graduation, before i start my career and masters degree, one of the last few that doesnt involve the pitter-patter of little feet, where my love has an entire year before he has any real obligations. this is our summer to be young and alive and i feel it all the way down to my toes. as time has caught up to the present, ive had an overwhelming feeling to remember what it is to be alive. to say yes to every invitation. to make decisions based on the flip of a coin. this is the last summer where its still okay for us to be a little bit reckless. i feel healing moving in and the winds of change blowing through our home, sweeping us up and taking us to a new place. anticipating that, by august, we will not be the same people we were in may. 

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to ...me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."-dm

 

i like

pretty wedding dresses and best friends wearing them.

on being married

But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion... But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy in both body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. (1 Cor 7: 8-9; 32-34)

 i do not have self control. it was better that i married. that, and i fell madly in love with a man i wanted to spend my whole life with. my interests are divided. as much as i hate to admit it, i am more concerned about the things of this world and how i can please my husband. i desperately need to feel loved by him, to feel like he is pleased with me. i am very independent. this is a hard realization. i am not entirely sure what to do with it. can we be honest for a second here? i fall prey to the beauty of pagan love. of mutual worship. and i know how easily it fails, but it looks so appealing from the outside. there were a few months before i met omar where i kind of wanted to be a nun, but i had already messed up and also did not completely understand catholicism. i have a naturally wayward heart. i cant get that thing to stay in one place to save my life. jesus can, but i forget to let him. i make it stay in the wrong place. the worship of a man. the balance of putting him before myself without putting him before jesus. this is impossibly hard for me to do. im trying.

growing pains

God has been speaking to me alot about criticism lately; the way i criticize and judge others and the way i am controlled by criticism from the people closest to me. i think both parts are making up the whole of this draining feeling ive had for the last few months.  this is more true than what i could say:

It's not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or when the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worth cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat. Theodore Roosevelt

the busiest month ever/not yet

 we are in the midst of the busiest month ever, which actually is much busier in theory than in action. we are officially 3 weeks away from graduation, 2 weeks away from being done with school, and 1 week from my best friend's wedding. ah! 

so, a week ago i started feeling nauseous at weird times throughout the day. and then it went on for three days. and then i realized that i miscalculated my ovulation days and we may have conceived our first child in a tent on the beach in california. we, especially omar and our bank account and signed teaching contract, are not at all in a place where this is the best timing. i decided to wait it out. then i started feeling absolutely exhausted and napping everyday. and my boobs felt more sore than they ever have ever. and i waited longer. then i couldnt wait anymore, and it was a week later and i was still feeling queasy for the majority of the day everyday. i may or may not have taken 2 pregnancy tests at this point, and was due for my period. and then i spotted slightly. and that was it. nothing else for an entire day. but then, then the glory day of stomach flu 2010 happened. and i spent saturday morning on the toilet, and the rest of the day whining and aching and whining and watching 7 consecutive movies while my abdomen squished into my knees and my husband watched in pity. it was the greatest stomach flu ever, because i suddenly realized that my queasy, tired, self was a direct result of my troop of an immune system and not, as omar would say, a little somethin-somethin hatching inside me. and then i bled my guts out (t.m.i.-sorry) and thanked god for knowing the best timing for us, and knowing that we are not quite emotionally, spiritually, or financially ready to be responsible for another life, and even though i had mapped out the next 18 years and would have been totally and completely okay with being a mama, the not yet is such a relieving feeling. someday soon, but not yet. 

on a completely unrelated note: its taken us 7 years to graduate college (due to 3.5 years taken off for marriage and ministry) and we are finally graduating!!!!!!!! and this time next year ill be finishing my masters degree!!!!

ramble bamble

you know that feeling when you desperately want to stop the clocks and live in the moment and simultaneously are pleading with time to speed up, to let you get past the hard and tiresome and straight into the rest, relaxation, and sense of accomplishment and then you realize that you are, once again, missing the beautiful moments happening right in front of you and you detail the whole ordeal in the worlds longest run-on sentence?

i used to be really good at being present. im not exactly sure what happened, but now it seems as though my mind and my heart are a million other places and im missing the goodness that is right in front of me. we are at such a  crossroad in our life right now, and so many things are about to change. we are graduating in a month, which means i have to start my teacher applications asap. both of my best friends are getting married in the next two months, and i dont want to miss this special time in their lives before their weddings. we looked at the law school that we feel like omar is supposed to go to, its beautiful:

i dont want to live in fear or excitement- but i feel both of those things so deeply. waiting fearfully and joyfully in expectation of whats to come and living directly and completely in the moment. conundrum.