Salad Days

2011

2012-01-01T15:06:00.000-08:00

2011 will go down as the craziest year of my life. i have never grown so much in a single year. i am stronger, braver, more humble, more grateful, and more in awe of the power of Christ than i have even been. a few things that happened this year (in no particular order):
- we were on national television (wheel of fortune) where we won a trip to puerto rico!
-i was awarded "new teacher of the year" for CCSD!
-we remodeled our house!
-we hiked vernal falls in yosemite, and we didnt even die!
-we stopped drinking alcohol completely.
-i went to california more times than i can count. at least more than 6 times.
-we drove to san francisco and got to see the golden gate bridge!
-i got a master's degree!!!!
-i asked my boss if she would double the size of my classroom and hire my best friend, jocelyn, to co-teach with me and she did! we have 9 of the cutest, best, kids ever. our kids have grown and are doing things that we were told they would never do.
-toured hollywood with my baby sister and stayed at a fancy hotel.
-we camped on the beach with 6 of our friends!
-jocelyn (see above) went from being a classmate, to being one of my very best friends. she gave her life to Jesus 3 months ago, and has immensely blessed my life with her presence in it!
-Jesus saved my marriage. He gave us a hope and a future when we saw none. redemption has never been more tangible than it was in 2011!!!!!
-watched my best friend give birth to her perfect little boy. we are obsessed with him!
- omar started a job at the raddest church in america. he spends everyday serving God with my best friend's husband. rad!
-went on a mermaid trip with my favorite girls to disneyland and rode the mermaid ride!!!
-omar got into seminary to be a pastor!
-we started the process to get our foster care license!
-we spent 8 days in puerto rico riding horses through the rainforest, hiking, kayaking in bioluminescent bays, best vacation of my life and it was FREE! thanks, pat sajak!

(in making this list, i realized a few things. one- this is a blessed life. i can't believe i'm living it. two- 2011 was a LONG year. i had to look at facebook pictures, because i didn't remember most of what happened in the first six months of this year. pure, utter, chaos that i can't believe happened, and praise the lord! we came out on top.)

christmas cheer.

2011-12-25T11:05:00.000-08:00

i started off this christmas season with a bad case of the scrooges. i complained to omar that christmas was going to be depressing this year. we both have small immediate families, and last year may have been the worst christmas ever. the thought of putting up a tree for just the two of us, without enchanted little eyes to look at it, depressed me. i sat with omar at the starbucks at target a few weeks ago and complained about all of the reasons that i wasnt excited for christmas. and i prayed.
then, suddenly i was.
the difference between a depressing holiday season, and a delightful one, is the choice that one makes to have one or the other.
i realized this morning that this is the best christmas of my life. my life is more blessed today than it has ever been. in fact, every christmas past pales in comparison to the incredible life that i am living this christmas. sometimes, we just need to pause and take note of the goodness. i am married to an amazing man, a man i deeply respect and admire, a man who has overcome incredible obstacles in the last year and has shown me what it means to lay down your life for those you love. our parents and siblings are still alive and love us. we live in a beautiful house that has recently been painted and tiled, and we haven't had to pay for any of it. we both drive cars that always start when we turn the key. we both have fulfilling jobs that we look forward to going to everyday. we have the BEST friends in the entire universe, and they are in a better place than they have ever been.
and even if none of that were true, we have a God who loves us immensely, who guides our every step, who has completely redeemed us and turns the murky, awful messes of our lives into beautiful goodness. and THAT is reason enough for Christmas cheer.

gifts of christmas past

2011-12-24T11:25:00.000-08:00

i wrote this to omar for christmas, five years ago. it is more true today than ever before. thankful for my incredible husband, the best christmas gift ive ever gotten.

i cant thank God enough for the gift of you.
for the way you pray.
for the way you treat the people around you.
for the way you love love love Him.
for the fact that you are more than enough for me.
for the way our lives have been coming together long before we even knew eachother.
for the fact that you dont want pets.
for the way you laugh from your heart.
for your gentle, sincere, smiling eyes.
for the way you look at me.
for the way you try to be subtle, but really are not at all.
for the fact that you took me to sea world, and insisted that we wore matching shamu shirts.
for the fact that you love Christmas time, and we make lists together and do everything on them.
for the way your first response is to pray.
for your wonderful family.
for the way you brush my hair everyday.
for the fact that you are the most attractive person that i have ever known, and the fact that i have no idea how to express that to you.
for the way you value my opinion.
for the way you've sacrificed your life for me.
for the way you are so silly, and you dont care what people think.
for the fact that youre the most generous person i know.
for the fact that ive never had to guess how you feel about me.
for the way you are willing to give me space.
for the way you are so receptive of Gods voice, and so eager to serve Him.
for the fact that i can tell you everything, and have.
for the way you love your family, my family, and are excited about our family.
for the way youve always respected me.
for the fact that you took care of a nano pet for three weeks just so i would let you hold my hand.
for the fact that you tell me at least ten times a day that im beautiful.
for the way you worship.
for the way you love your Young Life kids.
for the way you kept pursuing me even after i shot you down. like 10 times.
for the fact that i'm currently reading "The Power of a Praying Wife."
for the way you have a heart that beats with mine, and beats for Christ and even though i've spent my whole life imagining you, you exceed all of my expectations.

on withholding good

2011-11-12T15:54:00.000-08:00

"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is within the power of your hand to do so."
Proverbs 3:27

i've had several negative experiences in the last few months that have prompted this post. one of them was yesterday while i was talking to my sweet neighbor. she is a loving human and a wonderful parent. when i told her that we were trying to get our foster care license she said, "why? those kids are really messed up."
over the last few months we've had several people come into our classroom of kids with severe physical and mental disabilities and although we have done everything in our power to create the most inviting room possible, they let us know at the end of the day that they didn't realize they were going to be working with "these kinds of kids" and that they were out of their comfort zone.

thought: i have been working with people with special needs for five years now. i still do not feel comfortable. love, acceptance, excitement, anticipation, joy, gratitude, hope, amusement, inspiration, shock, awe- but not comfortable.
should we keep human beings from good because of our own discomfort? is this ever acceptable? maybe the point of life is not to nestle ourselves as deep as possible into our comfort zones.
people of the world, hear me on this- TAKE RISKS. step outside of your zone of comfort and LIVE. every good thing involves risk. the decision to believe that all human beings are worthy of love, and that it is in your power to love them, will reshape every single aspect of your life. i know that it has for mine. i have known many, many people who started to experience life because they were brave enough to be uncomfortable. i have friends who just moved to thailand as missionaries. they were not seeking comfort, they were seeking fullness of life. it is rare to have both.

i am not the boss of life.

2011-10-27T16:35:00.000-07:00

at some point, probably a little before my birth, i decided that i was the boss of life. i started dictating the world around me at a young age, and that worked fine because i was an only child and i was only bossing inanimate objects. recently, it has come to my attention that i have a lot of thoughts and ideas and opinions and feelings, and ive subconsciously decided that i know everything at the ripe old age of 26. as it turns out, i dont know everything. i know very little about a few things. thinking im the boss of life has had a few positive ramifications, but mostly it has made me frantic and stressed. apparently i can't control everything and everyone in my environment (damn those people that change lanes without blinkers!). i really just want the whole world to follow my made up rules about living.
i have a hard time finding the balance between influencing people in a positive way (everyone should go to www.toms.com and buy the cutest, most comfortable shoes ever- such a good cause!) and feeling entitled to pressure people into making decisions. maybe its because hard decisions are hard to make, and ive rarely made them without encouragement from others. anyway, its exhausting. im hoping and praying that jesus will reach in and clean out my heart and make me trust him and learn how to stop trying to control my world.

just the facts- foster edition

2011-10-22T19:29:00.000-07:00

today we completed day 5 of our foster care training. i am halfway (after three hours--just tonight, in addition to the other 4 days) through with the paperwork process which involves so much more than just paperwork.
so far, we love our agency.
did i mention that we are getting licensed in treatment foster care? to qualify, children have to have a medical diagnosis of some kind and are in need of healing. we were trained in how to deal with minor to severe behaviors and to love kids into healing. the process for this is a little bit more extensive than typical foster care, but the support is much greater. we truly believe that our agency loves kids and has their best interest in mind, which is contrary to much of what is believed about regular state foster care. we are still praying for the children that will live in our home, and trying to trust God in the many question marks. in the deepest parts of my heart, the ultimate goal is adoption. its scary to type that out because the mentality behind that puts us at great risk for disappointment. we also want to ensure that we are loving the hell out of every kid, even if their ultimate plan is to be reunified with their biological parents. our goal is to make a permanent difference in the life of a child, regardless of what their future holds.
i love watching omar's interest in finding out the ages of every kid he meets and how he interacts with them in such a loving, genuine, positive way. he is the best dad ive ever met and he doesnt even have kids yet.
still praying for a little boy, omar desperately needs an excuse to buy the new transformer toys.

watch that fratboy

2011-10-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

this is a conversation from june of 2005 with my best friend, whitney. oh man. thank you, Jesus, for giving me her and for the infinite ways You have blessed our friendship.

Kissinpixiedust: i heard you were putting your first name with deans last name
Kissinpixiedust: WTF
Tardass752: okay I am having horrible flash backs of chad
Tardass752: lol
Kissinpixiedust: chad is a good thing in retrospect
Tardass752: that means where's the funk right
Tardass752: only in retrospect
Kissinpixiedust: whitney the freak
Tardass752: wally the frog
Kissinpixiedust: white toe fungus
Tardass752: winnie the fool
Kissinpixiedust: where the food
Kissinpixiedust: watch that fratboy
Tardass752: wear tight fruit
Kissinpixiedust: wash tibetan flags
Tardass752: whine to fred
Kissinpixiedust: your mom
Tardass752: no i don't think that is it
Kissinpixiedust: we jsut spent the entire day and night together. and now were tlakign on aim. thats pathetic
Tardass752: yup its official..... who needs a boyfriend
Tardass752: we wouldnt have time for one
Kissinpixiedust: what would we even do with one
Tardass752: pay each other to dump him I guess
Tardass752: next ones we date...lets let them be the absolute wrong guy
Tardass752: just for kicks
Tardass752: like you date kyle and ill date mike
Tardass752: or sean carmona
Tardass752: or your dad
Tardass752: or greg
Tardass752: and you date ....
Tardass752: jon mamies
Kissinpixiedust: can i just date dean
Kissinpixiedust: hes totally the wrong guy
Kissinpixiedust: cmon please
Tardass752: and then we can go get fake brontisoruos tattos
Tardass752: because we will be fake dating
Tardass752: then you will definatly have those shoes!!!
Kissinpixiedust: OKAY
Kissinpixiedust: lets do it
Kissinpixiedust: no ksising or holding hands though
Tardass752: ewww gross
Tardass752: I would never kiss you
Kissinpixiedust: i thought we were talking about DEAN
Kissinpixiedust: idiot
Tardass752: I am still uncontrolably laughing
Tardass752: I am the funniest person i know
Kissinpixiedust: at least someone thinks so.
Tardass752: I think the loratabs are finally kicking in

.30 cent dishes and 28 bottles of lotion

2011-10-15T20:56:00.000-07:00

in preparation for the impending (sometime in the next six months) arrival of our (for a time) little boy (or girl, or boys and girls), we have had to take on every single room of our house. yesterday, i bought cute sailboat dishes at michael's for .30 cents each, because apparently kids break glass ones? today im cleaning out the hallway bathroom (formally known as my bathroom, home of 28 bottles of lotion). kidproofing a house is not for the faint at heart. especially if you have never met the kid and have no idea what age they are or if they have a history of vandalizing or pica (eating non-food materials). try it sometime. the anticipation is ridiculous. and you have no idea what youre anticipating until they get here. imagine being pregnant and maybe youre having a little baby but maybe youre having two 7 year old boys. its kind of like that. ambigous love that can only currently be expressed through sorting through every toxic item you own and only keeping what can fit in a small locked closet.

on foster parenting

2011-10-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

there is a little boy who lives in my mind and probably in my city. there are moments when i think i know his name and face. when i pass kids in the hallways of my school, i wonder if he looks like them. i wonder if he is them.

i know that he is broken.

i know that we are being called to hold him until he is whole again.

i know that since we started the process of getting our foster care license last week, i can think of little else.

there is a pile of rocket ships and dinosaurs and snowboard pjs. there is a list of 38 things that have to happen before we are able to take a child into our home.

i baked pumpkin bread yesterday, because moms do stuff like that.

foster parenting is tricky and right. it is what we are being called to do, and somebody will get hurt because in foster parenting, somebody always loses. i hope to do everything in my power to make sure that somebody is not an innocent little boy. (or girl, or sibling pair)

what a wild life!

I just haven't met you yet.

2011-09-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

Has nobody noticed that Michael Buble was totally talking about foster parenting/ adoption when he wrote this:

"I might have to wait, I’ll never give up
I guess it's half timin and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazin
And baby your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet"

on migraines

2011-09-18T17:43:00.000-07:00

the years that ive gotten migraines have officially outnumbered the years that ive spent without them. this means that the majority of my life has been dictated by the possible invasion of a migraine. i have tried prayer, chiropractors, brain scans, food journals, bathing in epsom salts, pain medication, prevention medication, vitamins, and botox. all of which have changed the lives of other migraine sufferers, and none of which have had a significant affect on me. i spent all night and all day in bed trying to will my migraine away. because of botox (yes! botox. fda approved for migraines as of april!), my migraines have decreased from 4 times a month, to two times a month.

im writing this because my goal is to be migraine free by april of 2012.

im still alive!

2011-09-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

i lived through my 25th year of life!!!!!! this is a huge victory. there has never been a bumpy, more turbulent year in all of my existence. this may be my biggest accomplishment yet. i think 26 will be the part that comes after the climax where everything is calm and all of the lose ends start to tie together. hooray for 26!

on restoration

2011-07-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

one of my sweet students passed away on saturday. draven was a beautiful child, who was very sick and missed a lot of school. the few times that he came to school, he was delightful and brought joy to those around him. he was in a wheelchair, had vision and hearing problems, was non-verbal, and ate through a tube. in these moments, and all of the moments where my students are in pain or at a disadvantage, i praise god for restoration and the promise of heaven. there is nothing that gets my tear ducts going faster than the image of my sweet kiddos dancing and rejoicing with Jesus. many of us have moments of fullness or completion in this life, but many of the students in my class never do. they are born into broken bodies or minds, having to wait on the people around them to somehow meet their needs. im thinking about draven this morning, as god has restored him and he is full and free from the bindings of this life. thank you, sweet boy, for drawing me closer to jesus. i will never forget your smile and laugh.

integrity

2011-03-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

i am in almost exactly the same place that i was in four years ago- in 2007, i wrote this:

being pure in heart is the single most important thing to me. people seem so fixated on what the rest of the world thinks of them, of their actions, their motives, the things they do that are seen. i think that integrity, and the purity that goes alongside it are much more valuable than public opinion. i love the way Mother Theresa says that if God calls her to clean toilets, that she will do it with as much passion and honor as if He had called her to witness to the president, or when Martin Luther King says that if you're called to be a streetsweeper, to be the best streetsweeper you can be. i dont care what anyone else thinks about my vocation, my marriage, or my ministry, as long as God sees where my heart is, the rest is just the opinion of men. every relationship i have, every "act of service" i do has nothing to do with the other people involved, it has to do with my relationship with my Creator at the time that i do them. when it comes down to it, at the end of my life i am not going to face my friends, or the people i work for, or even my husband...everything that i have ever done is going to be stripped down to the condition of my heart when i did it. i want to do everything to Him, for Him, and with Him.

something i learned from my friend, sarah

2011-02-09T21:56:00.001-08:00

“When John Kavanaugh, the noted and famous ethicist, went to Calcutta, he was seeking Mother Teresa … and more. He went for three months to work at “the house of the dying” to find out how best he could spend the rest of his life.

When he met Mother Teresa, he asked her to pray for him. “What do you want me to pray for?” she replied. He then uttered the request he had carried thousands of miles: “Clarity. Pray that I have clarity.”

“No,” Mother Teresa answered, “I will not do that.” When he asked her why, she said, “Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.” When Kavanaugh said that she always seemed to have clarity, the very kind of clarity he was looking for, Mother Teresa laughed and said: “I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.”

child fever

2011-01-30T20:17:00.000-08:00

there is a 6 year old boy with two dimples who winks and raises his eyebrows and pretends to hate kisses. who showed up in our extended family with two suitcases; one half-filled with summer clothing two sizes too small, and another one filled with happy meal toys and a superman cape. whose little life was created in a terribly broken world, surrounded by broken people, a boy who i would not blink at the thought of giving everything for.

there is another child who i have the honor of loving on a daily basis. whose little twisted foot and underdeveloped brain make it impossible for him to live an ordinary life. who screams and drools and giggles and only says 3 syllable words. i cannot, for the life of me, shake the desire to take him on the teacup ride at disneyland, imagining his joy and laughter as he spins in circles, as i hold his little body in place.

next door to my classroom, in a class of 3, 4, and 5 year olds with developmental delays, is a darling little boy who has completely captured my heart. he is defiant and angry and complicated and i love him completely. his beautiful soul longs to be valued and cherished and cradled, and it shows in every step he takes. i heard a story once about a teacher who sued for custody of a mistreated child, and won. i get that.

my best friend is pregnant with her first baby. this is a landmark in our lives and in our stories, as she is the first person in my immediate group of best friends to embark on this journey. i always wondered if this is something we would do together, the pregnancy/baby thing. and yet, over the last few months i have come so far from wanting to bear a child. i rarely find myself standing side ways in front of a mirror pushing my stomach out, wondering when there will be life inside of me, like i have far so many years of my life. now, the desire to love a child born outside of my womb has gone from strong, to unquenchable. the holy Spirit has been pounding at the door to my heart, creating in me a sense of urgency to mother a child that isnt mine.

the three little boys in my life have been placed there as a picture of love. to show me how intensely i could love a child that wasnt born mine. when i think of those three boys who were born into hopeless situations and how much i would give up to make their lives whole, i can only imagine what God has in store for the children that are waiting to be in my forever family. waiting and praying and waiting and praying for the things in my life to align as God prepares my heart for what awaits. i can only imagine what he has in store.

resolve.

2011-01-01T22:02:00.000-08:00

when i reflect on my walk with christ, ive seen alot more evidence of his presence in my heart than in my circumstances. i spend alot of time trying to save people and change people and get people to make better choices (by my own obscure standards) for their lives. the thing is, i also pray for these people and ask god to change their circumstances.

i have completely missed the meaning of life.

there are mountains and valleys and the mountains are amazing and the valleys are supposed to suck. that is the nature of mountains and valleys. in valleys, you cant see beyond what is right in front of you. valleys are hopeless and there is no way out but through.

when i reflect on my quarter century of life, the moments that have defined me have been equal parts mountain and valley. the mountains have been incredible, but the valleys have shaped the way i see the mountains. on the mountaintop, i see things clearly, i feel exuberant and hopeful and alive and free, there is nothing blocking my view of jesus. these places are often based on the condition of my heart being equal to my circumstances.

but, oh the valleys! these are the places when my circumstances are often completely out of my control and the only thing i can do is pray for god to change the condition of my heart. and he does! he doesnt often change my circumstances (he can, and he sometimes will) because they are ordained to shape my heart.

the point is, i have decided that i dont give a damn about circumstances in 2011. last year, i allowed my heart to completely depend on them (ex: we just won a trip on wheel of fortune! life is great!-- or, we just argued for three hours straight! life is horrible!).

i just want to focus all of my efforts on being the person that God created me to be, and praying (not manipulating) for the people around me to be who He created them to be.

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.” – Thomas Paine

2010-11-10T22:03:00.000-08:00

you know that feeling when you have absolutely no control over anything at all? its kind of freeing.

figments

2010-11-06T19:39:00.000-07:00

i feel really good right now. i mean, i usually feel really happy, but right now i feel really good about life. and not because good things are necessarily happening, quite the opposite actually. its just that bad things dont shake me the way they would have a year ago.
ive been reading about shawn mcdonald. he sings all those catchy worship songs that sound like this "i da wada wada wada waiii need you!" look him up if you want to, hes good stuff. ive always liked his music, mostly because omar is really good at emulating him and i like omar.
but heres the thing, most people (myself absolutely one hundred percent totally included) like to pretend that they are figments. they (we) live imaginary lives and sugarcoat everything and pretend like everything is candy dandy. some people (me) only share the bad when it is happening to someone else, and only share all of the peachy things happening to themselves (myself). this gives everyone else a false sense of what life is like and they start doubting their own lives and thinking that they are the only ones with issues and they start pretending too, and pretty soon weve got a world FULL of figments.
so, back to shawn mcdonald. he is a pretty bomb musician and i wanted to read about his life so i looked him up on wikipedia and saw that he got a divorce in april of this year. i have never, in all of my 7 years of being a christian, ever heard of a divorced worship artist. so, i started investigating and i found his blog and i found his former wife's blog and they laid out the entire event. as it was happening. and still honored eachother and god. it is so refreshing to read. and i was so stoked- not at all because of their crappy situation but because someone finally came out in the christian worship community as a sinner. a broken sinner, (like me) who is in desperate need of grace and knows it and wants other people to know it. so people (like me) who need hope and need to know that im not alone in working through things that are far beyond my realm of understanding can look at a real life, all laid out, a person who messes up- reeeally messes up--- and knows how desperately they need jesus without turning away from him.
i say this all because alot of people think my life is perfect- and its not. when they say that to me, i smile and think "if you only knew." most people i know would say that i have my stuff together and im a good person and i am good at life- and its not fair to think that because then people get false perceptions about their own lives and that sucks. it sucks to think your life sucks when everyone elses life sucks too, but nobody wants anyone to know. its obvious that im not very articulate lately, which is why i dont blog. and also, i want to be real and im not sure how to do that without hurting other people, but i recognize it and thats a start.

here are the blogs i was referring to---GOOD stuff:
Shawn McDonald
Kate McDonald

2010-10-20T20:17:00.001-07:00

i wonder what people did before the world needed saving. im assuming that the only instance of this took place in a garden, where a man sat around
naming things
waiting
wandering around
waiting
waiting
doesnt exactly seem like "fullness of life" to me. i wonder if he wondered what he was waiting for.

why sending your 18 year old daughter to europe by herself for 2 months is a great idea

2010-09-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

evidently im not very good at commitment. i am not used to blogging. ive "blogged" for 8 years, but theyve always been on my own conditions because the only people who actually read what i wrote were ex-boyfriends and stalkers. no excuses. i really want to write a life update. like, about my 25th birthday indian party. and living my DREAM job. and how being married is so incredibly difficult and omar is still my bff. how i have the most loyal, incredible, supportive friends on earth. or how grad school is the most fun thing on earth.

i think i accidentally wrote an incredibly vague life update just now.

but that is not it. there is more. there is so much more.

once upon a time i went to europe. for two months. alone. with little money. and no plans. it was the best experience of my life. so much of what i know about being a strong, independent woman with a complete and total reliance on my creator comes from that experience. i am constantly drawing back to that time when i need to be brave. when i wonder if i have what it takes to do things. when i wonder if my god will come through. those months were when i got to experience the most pure, raw, version of myself. i am really good at getting off track and venturing far away from myself, and those are the places i draw back to. so, my 18 year old self has been equipping me lately to take on things wayyyyy beyond my scope of understanding and bringing me to a place where i have to just make it happen. make it work. press on. be brave enough to run half naked into the warm ocean water at one in the morning with absolute strangers and splash around and flop down on the sand and not give a damn what my hair looks like or if im saying or doing things that arent ladylike, and hold my pants and my sandals under my arm as i wander barefoot through a city that only days before scared me to death and feel completely at home and safe in the arms of my savior. thats whats up.

all i have to say right now.

2010-09-02T16:13:00.000-07:00

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

do you love it?

2010-08-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

one of my earliest, most vivid, memories is from first grade. i dont remember who my friends were or the specifics of what i learned, but i vividly remember a very special person who spoke truth into my life at a very early age. she was a janitor (or maybe a campus monitor or teachers aide of some kind?) at my elementary school. i remember very little about her, other than the fact that she was a middle aged african american woman (i only remember this because i was at a time in my life where i desperately wished i was black. not kidding.) who smiled alot. i was five years old, and younger than many of my peers. i remember a shirt she wore that had comic book writing all over it. while she was overseeing the kids on the playground, i walked over to her and told her that i liked her shirt. she laughed and asked why. i told her that i thought it was funny. she laughed again and asked how i knew it was funny, because no one had read it to me. i explained to her that i liked (LOVED, more than anything) reading, and i already knew how to read. from that day on she called me "little miss i can read everything i see."
each day after that she would greet me in the morning with my nickname and would bring something for me to read out loud to her. i looked forward to seeing her everyday.
one day, she and i were standing out by the busses and the kids with special needs arrived. i had a friend who was in a wheelchair (who probably also had some mental disabilities, but i didnt notice that at the time). i remember interacting with my friend, and after she rolled away i vividly remember the janitor lady looking me in the eyes and saying, "Honey, looks like you've got a gift. You will be a fabulous special ed teacher someday."
i firmly believe that a seed was planted in my heart that day, twenty years ago.

i have met countless "janitor ladies" in my life. the girl that used to manage the rubios down the street who treated every single customer with such kindness that it was apparent that the light of christ shined through her, my 6th grade bus driver who played worship music and told me about god and how much he loved me, my mother in law who cleans houses for the elderly, all people who have embraced their profession and chosen to use it to glorify god.

anytime i meet a new person and they tell me what they do for a living, i always ask the same question: DO YOU LOVE IT? the answers are shocking. ive met multimillionaire CEOs who say that they hate what they do, and girls who work the night shift for the drive thru at jack in the box who say that they love their job and wouldnt trade it for anything. people are clearly capable of loving almost anything. as i look at the upcoming school year and the apprehension i have about teaching at a new school to a new population of kids, i want to choose to have the attitude of love. i want to wake up every morning and decide to love what i do, the people that god has placed in front of me, the trials that will grow me, and the time ive been given to do exactly what god is calling me to this year. because next year, he could be calling me to scrub toilets or meet with the leaders of the united nations or make french fries, and the only thing that will matter at the end of my life is what i did with the time he gave me.

a shark bit her arm off!

2010-08-03T15:53:00.000-07:00

so, yesterday i was an extra on the set of CSI las vegas.

i know, i know, please no autographs.

it was so much fun! mostly because we got free food and got to stand around in bathing suits all day. and i got to go down a slide through a shark tank. seriously. i also got paid to go swimming and drink water out of martini glasses. so, there was that. and that was great.

i think celebrities are funny. i hope i never have to be one. i would not not not want to ever do that for a serious living. the networking and superficiality is just too much for me. i can stand behind caution tape pretending to gawk at a girl who "had her arm bitten off my a shark" and try not to laugh, but thats definitely as far as i want to go in show biz. besides, i know pat sajak, and he is about as star struck as i get.

tres

2010-07-31T23:37:00.000-07:00

so, we've officially been married for three years! which is, woah, i've never committed to anything for that long, so i'm pretty stoked about it. marriage is hard and imperfect and has grown us both leaps and bounds and we have overcome so much and we still have so much to overcome and the longer we are anchored in our love, the deeper the anchor gets. our roots are reaching deeper and deeper as we continue to build our foundation, and we also still really like eachother.
for our anniversary, as with all july 29ths for the past four years, we went to california to spend sunset on the beach. and here is a recap, because i'll forget and i really, really dont want to forget:
we woke up, and drove to get anniversary gas, ate anniversary mcdonalds, drove to california with no music, just eachother. we bought alcoholic lemonade and cigars. we never used the cigars, but i accidentally got drunk. we peed in the ocean. we laid in the sun. we ate really fancy pizza with artichokes on it. we watched the sunset from a lifeguard tower. we got free cookies from our awesome priceline hotel! we went in the crowded pool at the hotel, and froze a little bit. we ordered room service ice cream, but fell asleep halfway through eating it. we woke up the next morning and relived our waterpark glory days at wild rivers waterpark. i almost died on rides several times. omar is very brave and went on every single ride and never almost died or yelled that he wanted to get off. my favorite ride was watoobie! i just liked saying it, i think. we shared dippin dots by a gumball machine. then, we went to a very fun mall and read books at urban outfitters and ate fries and drove home. and lived happily ever after.

samuel stoddard wrote this in a book, and i think it is very very very very very accurate:

You know how to be silly
That's why I like you
Boy are you ever silly
I never met anybody sillier than me till I met you
I like you because you know when it's time to stop being silly
Maybe day after tomorrow
Maybe never
Too late, it's a quarter past silly

Sometimes we don't say a word
We snurkle under fences
We spy secret places
If I am a goofus on the roofus hollering my head off
You are one too
If I pretend I am drowning, you pretend you are saving me
If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag,
then you are getting ready to jump

That's because you really like me
You really like me, don't you
And I really like you back
And you like me back and I like you back
And that's the way we keep on going every day

And I like you because if we go away together
And if we are in Grand Central Station
And if I get lost
Then you are the one that is yelling for me
"Where are you?"
"Here I am"

I like you because I don't know why but
Everything that happens is nicer with you
I can't remember when I didn't like you
It must have been lonesome then

I like you because because because
I forget why I like you but I do
So many reasons
I don't know why
I guess I don't know why I really like you
Why do I like you
I guess I just like you
I guess I just like you because I love you

sam

2010-07-24T14:01:00.000-07:00

my mind flashed back, simultaneously taking in every moment in front of me, yet, remembering a similar incident, four years before. my heart, still with wonder, and in awe of the parallels. had four years really gone by? four years ago, in this same place, my heart was transformed as i watched a man my age help his friend with down syndrome prayerfully battle his fears, inhibitions, and insecurities, so that he would somehow get from the top of the zipline, to the bottom, and learn to trust God along the way. one of the single most defining moments of my life.
fast forward almost exactly four years: she couldnt speak. she had almost no voluntary muscle movement. she had already stretched me far beyond my comfort zone in only 3 short days. we couldnt get her to smile all week. a little smirk here and there, but no real smiles. she was capable, but refused. this broke me to the core. i had never done this before; taken kids with special needs to a younglife camp for a whole week. all i wanted to do was love her, to serve her well. i didnt expect much, because a smile was literally all she could offer, but it was all i needed to keep going.

the interns brought out the forklift with a handmade basket. we got in. first her, in her wheelchair, then me, then the two interns. as we were lifted up into the sky, my heart raced. "are we really going to put a non-verbal quadriplegic girl barreling through the sky on a zipline that lands in water?" we stood at the top, looking down. i was shaking as i fastened her helmet. they clipped her into the device that was made for situations like this, you know, situations when God calls people to stop at nothing to make sure that every kid has the opportunity to experience all that life has to offer, even if they physically "can't." we began to open the gate on the forklift. we called down to the bottom to let them know that she was on her way down. then, as we began to release her, her neck had a spasm, which caused her entire upper body to shift out of the device. we pulled her back. "we can't do this. i can't do this. it isn't safe," one of the interns said. we prayed. we asked God to show us what to do as as we began to unfasten her gear. "a chest harness!" one of the interns yelled suddenly. "throw up a chest harness!" so, one of the property staff from below threw a chest harness high up in the air. the intern caught it! they began to fasten her in again. we prayed. my mama bear instincts kicked in. she was strapped in safely, and ready to go. i turned to the more hesitant intern, "is the risk worth it? i feel like she is going to love it, but is it worth it? are you one hundred percent sure she will be okay?" we prayed. he replied, "i feel one hundred percent sure that she'll be fine." we prayed again, this time with her. she had been sitting so patiently, loving all of the attention, but probably entirely unsure of what was about to take place. my heart was beating out of my chest as they radioed down to our friends in the water letting them know that we were sending her down and to be ready to catch her the second she hits the water. tears filled my eyes as i pleaded with God to protect her. we opened the gate and began to let go again. this time, we completely let go. she started to sail through the sky, and from three feet away from us, an enormous smile spread across her face. she began to squeal with delight. she was joyful! and beaming! and i looked at the interns next to me who were wiping tears from their eyes. totally worth it.

off we go into the wild blue yonder

2010-07-19T14:55:00.000-07:00

so, heres

a video

about one of the very best days of our life.

wheel of fortune!

so amazing. i cant tell you every little detail, but it may or may not involve every prayer answered and feeling overwhelmed with love, support, upcoming adventures, and, well, ive said too much. you can watch the video above, or watch us on february 11, 2011.

our life is so fun! and i got a side hug from pat! and free candy all day long! and we got some little light up wheel of fortune buttons too. could life get any better?

bugs love me

2010-06-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

bugs are addicted to me. they are my number one fan. exhibit a, b, c and d:

I havent had a true bug attack since our honeymoon. until today, when i woke up and noticed that there are at least 11 bug bites on my body from being out by the pool yesterday. why do bugs think im so delicious?

eel, at, and anna.

2010-06-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

so, six or so months ago i was just living my life and trying to watch wheel of fortune on tv. did you know that eel (for wheel of fortune) was one of my first words? im quite fond of the show. my mom attributes my almost perfect spelling skills and love for reading to my childhood evenings of wheel of fortune. pat and vanna are like family. okay, thats a lie, but i really like wheel of fortune. anyway, omar doesnt. or actually, didnt. i was trying to watch it and hes a tv hog so he begged me to turn it off so we could watch The Rocker for the 86th time and so, just to spite him, i went on the WoF website and signed up to be on their email list where they let us know when they are in our area.

fast forward a few months, and the email comes that wheel of fortune will be in vegas and that we could sign up to be on sweetheart's week. so we did. and totally forgot about it.

then, a few weeks later, we get an email saying that weve been selected to come to the final audition. so we do. and we make it to the final round of the final audition!

soooo, the very best and most exciting part comes next. THEY CALLED US BACK! WE ARE GOING TO BE ON WHEEL OF FORTUNE! and the best part is- i get to meet pat sajack!!!!!!!! oh, and also win money. i guess that is a really good perk too. we film July 16th. we dont know yet when the show airs, but we do know that I GET TO MEET PAT! all of my wildest dreams are coming true.

weird

2010-06-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

i am a disaster of a daughter. i mean, my parents seem pretty fond of me, but as far as being a child of God? im such a mess. im the kind of daughter that (literally and figuratively) eats blackberries and sugar in a new white dress. the kind that runs the other direction when there are obstacles. the flight, not fight. but not now. even though we are fighting for our lives, its so good right now. whoever thought up the idea of marriage is brilliant. you fall in love with somebody for their strengths, but its their weaknesses that grow you both. nobody told me that. nobody told me any of this, and im so glad for that because i wouldnt have signed up for it. we are in our bubble, fighting for our lives, standing at the crossroad at the exact point where we have to choose. being around other people is weird right now, because nobody really knows anything. nobody would know anything even if they knew everything. but we are blessed to count on two hands the people who are playing for our team. our pastor talked about obstacles being an opportunity, and that is true. i cant wait for resolution, but i think, for right now, the opportunity is the obstacle.

omar: man! its so weird!
me: whats weird?
omar: just god. hes just funny, mostly.

the plan v.s. The Plan

2010-06-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

we have a plan for our lives. its ridiculously foolish, but its a plan. actually, to be honest, its more my plan than omar's. hes much more go with the flow. im much more panic and organized chaos. hence, the plan. im scared to death of our perfect little plan because it has little detours and those detours have plans and sometimes i share part of the plan with people and they say things that make me readjust the plan. ive always tried to order the steps of my own life, because i think im god. well, i dont actually, but my "plans" make it seem like i do. anyway, i think about the plan constantly and ive realized that its much more stressful than counting on The Plan. The Created Plan. the One that i have no control over, and therefore, doesnt have any deadlines or goals it has to meet. and i married a guy who finds a new interest every three days and makes all of my day to day and month to month plans go awry.

future baby name list on the eve of my (other) best friend's wedding.

2010-05-28T23:51:00.000-07:00

i have two best friends. they are incredible. everyone says they love their friends (duh.), but when people meet either one of these girls they say that they wish they could be best friends with them. like, this has happened on numerous occasions in both cases. im generally really bad at social skills, and these phenomenal girls have put up with me and shared life with me for extended periods of time. they love like its going out of style. as of tomorrow, i will probably have cried my weight in tears because of their weddings. i literally thought that i had run out of tears at whitneys wedding last month, until tonight's rehearsal where i thought i was going to throw up because my tear ducts werent able to express the intense wave of emotion. weddings are insane, man.

(jessica crying her eyes out at my wedding. its entirely possible that i will beat her in the most hysterical bridesmaid contest that neither one of us chose to enter)

but, what i really want to blog about right now is names of future babies. (no, not in 9 months, future, like down the road, future). im really good at distracting myself from stressful things by thinking of things of absolutely no present relevance. like baby names. so, here are the potential names of our future children, unless we change our minds (which happens every other day. except for the first one, that will never change):
Grace Amara (meaning grace; without limits) ((the only drawback to this is that her initials will be GAG)
Anna or Hannah (i just really like palindromes and anna means grace, and were totally into that)
Ava(like aww-vuh, again with the palindromes. meaning: life)
Lucy Skye (we like the beatles and girls with kaleidoscope eyes)
Kaiah (a little hawaii-ish, means rare beauty or start of a season, both are cool if you ask me)
Ciella (Ella for short, omar says he made it up and it means heaven. whatev.)

there are exactly zero boys names that i love that sound good with our last name and are not taken by someone we know. i cant name my kid after a living person, living people have so many opportunities to mess up ya know?

Gabriel Cole (god is my might)
omar tried for Gibson for a while. haha.

and just for kicks, here are some that i love love love but that we could never name our kids because, really? mia garcia? (or above mentioned reason.)
Mia
Max
Teagan
Liv
Luke
Brennan
Callie
Molly
Tyler (for a girl, side rant: i love love love love love the name Grace Tyler. not going to happen though.)
Kaila
Thomas
Averie

i think baby names are so funny. i mean, you think you know a person and then bam! they tell you what baby names they like and youre like, "huh?"

p.s. (ive never used more parenthesis in my life.)

nakedness.

2010-05-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

when i was in 12th grade geometry (yes, 12th. not a misprint. certified genius, couldnt figure out how to not fail algebra until 11th grade.) i used to ask my teacher the same question every day. the lovely question that every teacher dreads, but every teacher should be equipped to answer. "when am i ever going to use this?" and he would give me a wishy washy reply about figuring out how much tile ill someday need for my bathroom. to which i would reply, "i wont need to know that. im going to be a famous actress. ill pay somebody to do that." and then he would roll his eyes and i would go back to reading "Lolita," which i would have placed just right so that it looked like i was reading my geometry book, but really wasnt. anyway, that is not at all what im trying to say. what im trying to say is that i had another favorite question for when i really wanted to throw off my teachers. "did adam and eve have bellybuttons?" i know. i know. so lame and overdone. at the time, i didnt know anything about adam and eve and only knew that they wore leaves and i really couldnt figure out the belly button thing. i still dont have the belly button thing down, but ive figured out the leaves.

ive never been a huge fan of clothes. i like fashion and whatnot just fine, but ive just never had an overwhelming sense of modesty or a natural human desire to cover up. i spent the first 9 years of my life in my underwear, then my mom married my dad and i became a teenager and walking around in my underwear got me alot more lectures about propriety than what it was worth. since ive been married ive learned a whole lot about modesty and about how to love people by covering up (except omar, who feels alot more loved when i dont cover anything up. just kidding but not at all). weird, right? so weird. i had no idea about this concept. here it is: being modest in the way we dress is a way to love the men in our lives by not letting them stumble or be tempted or whatev, however i am starting to think it is also a very good way to love the ladies in our lives. for reals. this isnt even the point of this blog, but i was reading something about mormons and modesty and i really like what this guy said:

"Does the outfit make members of the same sex more conscious of their physical inadequacies? If your dress causes feelings of inadequacy in others, then you know you are being immodest. It is not Christian conduct to make other people feel bad because they were not blessed with your physical bounties." -John Welsh (some big time mormon guy who makes a really valid point)

cut, right to the heart. i think this applies to all people. it got me thinking about humans, and the way we try to look our best and that is commendable. but the guy has a point. i think there is a much deeper issue than clothes here though. there is a spiritual modesty that happens, and i think its entirely possible that im totally missing the boat on that one. i think that its possible that we are created to be naked. actually, from what ive read, i know it is. we were never supposed to cover up, and yet, if you knew the stuff that goes on in my heart or home, you would call me a hypocrite, and possibly never speak to me again. and the same might happen for you. i love facebook and all of its glory, and im not so fond of debbie downers, but wouldnt it be interesting if we posted what was actually happening in our lives? like, "allie garcia is... hungover at church this morning and also just got in an argument with her husband because she overdrafted their bank account" or "just got back from the store where i saw a girl that was way prettier than me and spent the last hour trying to look up pictures of rachel bilson so i can dress cuter and feel better about myself" or, you get the idea. im going to work on that because i think that being naked is a really good idea. also, dressing modestly is good too. and adam and eve probably did not, in fact, have belly buttons. just kidding, how would i even know that?

donald miller, who also happens to me my favorite author, wrote a blog about nakedness too. read it. its good for your soul.

can i just share some thoughts about life?

2010-05-15T12:36:00.000-07:00

im really bad at doing laundry. i know at some point i should have given omar some kind of disclaimer, like "doesnt understand the concept of laundry and will trick you into cooking dinner every night but also love you alot forever" that would have been much more fair. i dont really get why its assumed that wives do the laundry. youre literally carrying huge loads of clothing down the stairs and loading them into giant spinning machines. that sounds more like guy stuff to me. like lumberjacking.

why are cheese and chocolate so delicious? im trying so hard to live without them and its not working. especially cheese. cheese is the bane of my existence and the cause of my squishy little love handles. if cheese was removed from the world, i would be invincible. and really really sad. peanutbutter too.

summer is here summer is here summer is here and i want to eat it up and drink it til i feel it tingle all the way in my toesy toes. delicious summer, how i love your freedom.

another thought, anytime i get annoyed with omar, there is one thing that always comforts me. I DIDNT MARRY SPENCER PRATT. thank you jesus.

i cant wait to blog about disneyland. another day.

delightful, darling weekend

2010-05-10T23:01:00.000-07:00

we graduated college and celebrated mothers day and it was the best ever. sitting between my best friend and my husband next to the girls that have held me up and pushed me through the last 2 years was perfect and totally made up for the most boring ceremony ever. we felt blessed and supported and anxious and walked towards the stage together. i really like life events where you enter a room one way and leave the room as something else; ex- weddings and graduations and births. pivotal. life is so fun and exciting!!!!!!

a letter to my husband on the eve of our graduation

2010-05-07T22:34:00.000-07:00

baba,
we sat in an overpriced coffee shop in a fancy hotel with your spanish-speaking venezuelan aunt, your brother, and your plate of crab legs. i still wasnt sure what to think of you- you spoke spanish! and your cracked your crab legs with your hands! i didnt know then that you stick your gum on the counter when you think you are going to use it again. you reset your odometer everytime you get gas. you brush your teeth for much longer than the average person, and you have a beautiful singing voice that sounds most akin to the lovechild of mark hoppus and david crowder. before i knew any of that, there, in that cafe, we picked significant numbers and played a mean game of keno, the only money i have ever won gambling. four dollars. those four dollars shaped our future together more than almost any other tangible item. we made a decision for our small spark of love that night- that we would use the money wisely. and only one dollar every ten years. you folded up all four, and stuck them safely in the credit card section of your wallet. then, you found a piece of paper napkin and a stubby keno pencil and began to create our first list. that night, we decided that we would get married, but not yet. we had to do alot of things first. we made plans to visit venezuela together, and to finish school, and on that not-quite-proverbial piece of napkin we wrote that we would get married, only after we graduated college. we both had 1 and a half years left. were backwards people, you and i, we make alot of plans and forget all about them. im going to go ahead and attribute 100% of the reasoning behind that to our Creator. in any case, we forgot to graduate college first and got married instead. which prolonged our graduation and had me wondering if either one of us would ever walk across that stage, diploma in hand. and now, here we are, the eve of our graduation, our caps placed neatly side by side on the table, our robes hanging in the hallway, and that elated smile on your face everytime i mention anything about tomorrow morning- because it hasnt been easy for either one of us. we have both fought off our demons, worked our butts off to pay for this, stayed up late late late into the night studying and finishing projects, fought to the death to finally, finally, get to this point. we did it! we did what only 28% of americans have done! im the first female in my family to do what we are going to do tomorrow morning! you moved here from another country, learned a whole new language, and are now graduating with a degree that requires a vocabulary i could only hope to understand! i am so proud of you and i am so excited to walk with you across the stage tomorrow, and for the rest of our lives. i love you, pal.

love,
babas

from summer to summer

2010-05-04T11:11:00.000-07:00

ive always lived from one summer to the next. im a big fan of freedom and not having a schedule, so summer works really well. i have alot of thoughts and ideas about this summer, the summer after college graduation, before i start my career and masters degree, one of the last few that doesnt involve the pitter-patter of little feet, where my love has an entire year before he has any real obligations. this is our summer to be young and alive and i feel it all the way down to my toes. as time has caught up to the present, ive had an overwhelming feeling to remember what it is to be alive. to say yes to every invitation. to make decisions based on the flip of a coin. this is the last summer where its still okay for us to be a little bit reckless. i feel healing moving in and the winds of change blowing through our home, sweeping us up and taking us to a new place. anticipating that, by august, we will not be the same people we were in may.

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to ...me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."-dm

i like

2010-04-26T22:58:00.000-07:00

pretty wedding dresses and best friends wearing them.

on being married

2010-04-26T21:52:00.000-07:00

But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion... But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy in both body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. (1 Cor 7: 8-9; 32-34)

i do not have self control. it was better that i married. that, and i fell madly in love with a man i wanted to spend my whole life with. my interests are divided. as much as i hate to admit it, i am more concerned about the things of this world and how i can please my husband. i desperately need to feel loved by him, to feel like he is pleased with me. i am very independent. this is a hard realization. i am not entirely sure what to do with it. can we be honest for a second here? i fall prey to the beauty of pagan love. of mutual worship. and i know how easily it fails, but it looks so appealing from the outside. there were a few months before i met omar where i kind of wanted to be a nun, but i had already messed up and also did not completely understand catholicism. i have a naturally wayward heart. i cant get that thing to stay in one place to save my life. jesus can, but i forget to let him. i make it stay in the wrong place. the worship of a man. the balance of putting him before myself without putting him before jesus. this is impossibly hard for me to do. im trying.

growing pains

2010-04-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

God has been speaking to me alot about criticism lately; the way i criticize and judge others and the way i am controlled by criticism from the people closest to me. i think both parts are making up the whole of this draining feeling ive had for the last few months. this is more true than what i could say:

It's not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or when the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worth cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat. Theodore Roosevelt

the busiest month ever/not yet

2010-04-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

we are in the midst of the busiest month ever, which actually is much busier in theory than in action. we are officially 3 weeks away from graduation, 2 weeks away from being done with school, and 1 week from my best friend's wedding. ah!

so, a week ago i started feeling nauseous at weird times throughout the day. and then it went on for three days. and then i realized that i miscalculated my ovulation days and we may have conceived our first child in a tent on the beach in california. we, especially omar and our bank account and signed teaching contract, are not at all in a place where this is the best timing. i decided to wait it out. then i started feeling absolutely exhausted and napping everyday. and my boobs felt more sore than they ever have ever. and i waited longer. then i couldnt wait anymore, and it was a week later and i was still feeling queasy for the majority of the day everyday. i may or may not have taken 2 pregnancy tests at this point, and was due for my period. and then i spotted slightly. and that was it. nothing else for an entire day. but then, then the glory day of stomach flu 2010 happened. and i spent saturday morning on the toilet, and the rest of the day whining and aching and whining and watching 7 consecutive movies while my abdomen squished into my knees and my husband watched in pity. it was the greatest stomach flu ever, because i suddenly realized that my queasy, tired, self was a direct result of my troop of an immune system and not, as omar would say, a little somethin-somethin hatching inside me. and then i bled my guts out (t.m.i.-sorry) and thanked god for knowing the best timing for us, and knowing that we are not quite emotionally, spiritually, or financially ready to be responsible for another life, and even though i had mapped out the next 18 years and would have been totally and completely okay with being a mama, the not yet is such a relieving feeling. someday soon, but not yet.

on a completely unrelated note: its taken us 7 years to graduate college (due to 3.5 years taken off for marriage and ministry) and we are finally graduating!!!!!!!! and this time next year ill be finishing my masters degree!!!!

ramble bamble

2010-04-04T17:42:00.000-07:00

you know that feeling when you desperately want to stop the clocks and live in the moment and simultaneously are pleading with time to speed up, to let you get past the hard and tiresome and straight into the rest, relaxation, and sense of accomplishment and then you realize that you are, once again, missing the beautiful moments happening right in front of you and you detail the whole ordeal in the worlds longest run-on sentence?

i used to be really good at being present. im not exactly sure what happened, but now it seems as though my mind and my heart are a million other places and im missing the goodness that is right in front of me. we are at such a crossroad in our life right now, and so many things are about to change. we are graduating in a month, which means i have to start my teacher applications asap. both of my best friends are getting married in the next two months, and i dont want to miss this special time in their lives before their weddings. we looked at the law school that we feel like omar is supposed to go to, its beautiful:

i dont want to live in fear or excitement- but i feel both of those things so deeply. waiting fearfully and joyfully in expectation of whats to come and living directly and completely in the moment. conundrum.

to sum things up

2010-03-02T19:41:00.000-08:00

i told this to omar on facebook today. it is a pretty good summary of our life right now:

"hi i love you you should take me out for sushi today because im a nice wife and were best friends forever and ever oh and i write really long run on sentences and last night i back spooned you for like 5 hours you little teddy bear. oh and i was going to work out today but then i realized that today is my cheat day. just like yesterday. and the day before. and the last 24 years."

{and then he actually did but he forgot his wallet so i had to pay but were married so whatever. and that earned him 3 more years of nonstop back spooning in which i use him as a heated teddy bear/body pillow and he gets the comfort of wearing me like a backpack for 6 or so hours a night. }

fight or flight

2010-02-26T09:02:00.000-08:00

im really really really ridiculously good at falling in love. like, an expert. i have hurt many a people because of this ability to fall deeply in love, and complete lack of skill in staying there. i used to call it the four month rut. i would date someone for 4 to 5 months before i was overwhelmed with boredom and the desire to have constant butterflies in my stomach would take over and i would begin the cycle of falling in love all over again.

luckily for omar, he proposed at 5 months. and married me 7 months after that. i never had a chance to end the cycle because it was just too exciting. almost 3 years into this and he still has me wrapped around his finger. he is so unpredictable and passionate and comfortable and wild and it makes it so easy to stay on my toes while still keeping my feet firmly planted on the solid ground that he has provided.

i dont really think that being skilled in falling in love is a good trait anymore. it doesnt take much to see someone at their best and love them. this commitment thing though? this is intense. this is the real "cant eat, cant sleep, reach for the stars, world series kind of stuff." we get to dream big dreams together, and then actually live them out. we bought a camera. it belongs to us. we have alot of things that belong to us. both of us. this is still new to me. im independent and wayward and im not very good at sharing. oh and im a runner. in special education we learn about kids like this; kids that cant handle stress or pressure so they (literally) run from situations that are too much for them. thats me. i get that.

i guess this is kind of all over the place. and i guess i dont really care. i never want to forget the journey. i never want to forget what it feels like to grow up. or how i felt in the early years of our love, knowing that we chose to grow up together and watch our itty bitty dreams turn into big realities.

{oh, weve got a long, long way to go to get there,

yeah, we'll get there}

valentines day birthday hunk of love

2010-02-15T12:04:00.000-08:00

Omar does alot of things right. Holidays dont always fit in that category. I guess its probably a guy thing, but while I spend months and months thinking and praying and creating and saving for his gifts, he generally goes out the day of and buys the first thing he sees. We have talked about this, and he is definitely getting better. Yesterday, he showed up at our front door pretending ot be a delivery man and delivered the BIGGEST, most BEAUTIFUL, bouquet of flowers that I have ever ever ever seen in my whole entire existence. My cell phone picture of them does not do them justice. I have seen alot of flowers in my life, and these are by far the most amazing.

see?

Omar and my dad generally celebrate their birthdays together. This year we went to Joe's Crab Shack, and laughed our faces off when they made them both put on wings and wear crowns and "parade" around the restaurant. It was amazing. Im not easily impressed by these kinds of shenanigans, but it was incredible:

My wonderful, delicious, husband turned 26 today. He is the best thing in the whole world times infinity, and I can't believe what an adventure we are on together. He combines the passion of a Shakespearean lover with the obnoxiousness of an annoying little brother in such an exact match for my heart. He still gives me that "WTF? Were married?!?!?!" feeling almost daily. Love it. y

p.s. on a side note, we are having the most economically friendly weekend ever. on friday, we went to sushi where we used a $25 dollar off coupon. on valentines day we had a picnic at the park with the two little girls i nanny for while their parents celebrated v-day on their own, and they bought us panera in addition to us getting paid. then, last night we used an amazing gift card to go to the delicious and normally way out of our price range, Mon Ami Gabi restaurant in the Paris hotel. today we are using a gift card i got for my birthday to get pedicures and then using a free birthday burger coupon from Red Robin to eat lunch. so legit.

my funny valentine

2010-02-07T14:36:00.000-08:00

to my valentine birthday,

my beanie baba babushkie,

my darlingest of all darlings and silliest of all sillies,

before i met you i was a little confused

(okay, alot confused)

about marriage and the way marriage looks in real life-

i had disney dreams and i read alot of books

ALOT of books

and love looked like passionate longing and intense amounts of insecurity

and white horses

and girls with long names

and in all the stories they lived happily ever after the day they said

"i do"

and i always wondered if marriage was the end, the finale, the way to say that they made it.

the pictures they painted were perfectly balanced and wonderfully tragic and

i expected you to ride in on a chariot of gold and climb up my hair

and i didnt realize that happily ever after was only the beginning.

everyone else has taught me to be frantic and urgent

and to live live live live until you cant take it anymore, and i try to wrap you up in that,

but you,

in all of your flawed brilliance and masculine beauty,

you taught me how to really live happily ever after

because

you make me so calm when the world screams crazy,

and you showed me how to like pepper

and you fixed the tailpipe on my car

you tell me the most boring bedtime stories ever

and you criticize the way i mop

you look at me like you know me

like you know what happens to me on the inside

you hate it when i get my way,

but you (almost) always let me

you are so good at cooking meat so that its not too chewy or lemony or spicy

just right

and you clean the chocolate syrup off my chin at baskin robbins

and you never let your finger nails get too long, but you always have to be reminded about your toes

and you forget to set your alarm clock almost every day

but never forget to excitedly scream my name when i walk in the front door

you push me and push me and push me until i lose my patience and i cant take it anymore

but you open your arms and i envelop me in kisses and

you always always always say you are sorry first

and i know that im a mess and im unpredictable and all over the place

but you are my rock, and my anchor and my home

my happily ever after.

a severe mercy

2010-02-04T22:03:00.000-08:00

once upon a time, there was a young man that taught me how to live, to love, and to be loved. he taught me how to be whole, how to treat others, how to treat myself. he reminded me of what it was like to twirl in circles and have someone be amazed at my beauty and innocence. and through his absolute understanding of all of those things, he guided me directly to the foot of the cross, drew me into the presence of my savior and into the whirlwind of unconditonal love that has come with having a relationship with Jesus.

when we were 17, i convinced him to skip class one day and he sat me down in the back of our high school theatre and read the bible to me. on valentines day, he took me to a fancy restaurant and gave me dessert before dinner. he called me every night and played "i'll be" by edwin mccain on his guitar until i fell asleep. once, he blindfolded me and when i opened my eyes we were at disney on ice, where he spent his entire paycheck on overpriced snow cones and buzz lightyear t-shirts. reading over my old journals, it seems so weird to be writing these things as memoirs to a man who has been dead for the last two years. it seems almost impossible that this is my little way of keeping him alive. there is a book called "a severe mercy" and it talks about the gift of mercy in the presence of death, and how god sometimes allows very dark things to keep us from even darker things and when i think about what my life would have looked like if i had never met him, or what it would have looked like had i never given into the sin that separated me from him, it gives me chills. what a severe mercy. God, whose own hand ordained cole in my life, and yet allowed me to stumble far enough away from Him to keep me from being the widowed woman picking up the pieces.

mourning is a funny thing. in a way, i feel guilty for being sad. i lost him before he was gone through the breaking of his heart because of my own selfishness and missed him before i knew just how long the longing for his presence in my life would be void. sometimes i think that it isnt my place to mourn,but it isnt a romantic kind of longing, or a physical longing, or even an emotional one, just a deep, deep, hole in the earth where his presence brought so much joy to so many.

and while i am deeply and fully in love with Omar, i attribute all that i know of love to the faithfulness of another man. Cole Stafford, thank you for teaching me to love my Savior and guiding me into understanding what love is. all that i know of goodness can be traced back to your faithfulness to God. thank you for sharing part of your short life with me. i will never be the same.

4/11/85 to 2/5/08

verb: its what you do.

2010-01-30T21:08:00.000-08:00

so, once upon a time i worked at a restaurant and it was awful. after that i made a rule for my entire life about jobs: the only job i will ever have is one i would do even if i wasnt being paid to do it.

i realize that this is not feasible for most people. it is not feasible for me either. it is partially about attitude and partially about choice.

attitude comes from here:

{It is not what we do, but how much love we put into the doing. If I belong to Christ and at that moment He wants me to be cleaning the toilets, or taking care of the sufferers from leprosy, or talking to the President of the United States, it is all the same; because I am being what God wants me to be, and doing what He wants me to do.
I belong to Him.}

mother theresa

choice comes from the decision to choose to work for less money or a less than perfect schedule to be in an environment that i dont dread going to.

my job now? i look forward to it. i get excited about it. and who wouldnt? i get paid to dance and sing and play with playdough and have picnics in thomas the tank engine tents and throw colorful scarves up in the air and see if who can catch them first and tickle fests and rasberries and be with the sweetest girls in the world. and then im like, how the heck am i getting paid to do this? and last year when i was teaching students with disabilities and taking them on adventures and laughing and crying and growing, i felt the exact same way.

one thing that changed my life was a book i read in Australia about being a twentysomething, and a question was asked: if you could get paid 10 million dollars a year to have any job, what would it be?

and the more i think about it, the more i want to pursue what god created me to do. because money dies with you. and fame only lasts a couple hundred years if youre lucky.

i just think its really really really important to do what you love at (almost) any cost. and if that isnt possible (or even if it is) i think its just as important to love what you do, regardless.

{If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lives a great street sweeper who did his job well.}

Martin Luther King Jr.

something from nothing

2010-01-30T14:56:00.000-08:00

so, i made this:

and this:

(this flower is more lime than celery in real life, and dont mind no-makeup saturday)

so, i found some old hand me downs that never quite fit right. they were either a color i loved or a fabric i loved so i couldnt part with them, and so they sat in my closet for way too long until this morning.

i roughly used this tutorial:

http://www.designspongeonline.com/2009/12/party-flower.html

(by roughly, i mean that i cant really handle step by step instructions and im really impatient so i layered the fabric and free hand cut all four at once for each part. also, i didnt feel like trying to buy matching thread so i ripped a piece of thread out of the article of clothing that i was cutting up and that worked perfectly. oh and i used 10 cent felt for the back. so, total cost: 10 cents. actually like .01 cents because i only used a little tiny piece of the felt. anyway, my point is that its really easy and cheap and kind of fun.)

by the third one it takes ten minutes a pop. score!

to prosper you and not to harm you

2010-01-23T12:48:00.000-08:00

we've got some big plans in the making. and some small ones. and some medium sized ones that could potentially be either big or small ones. just a bunch of ideas and thoughts and dreams jumbled all up in our hearts, pleading with our Maker to guide us in the right direction. the direction that leads us closer to His will and plan for our life, and farther from our own desires. i think about that song by Jon Foreman {your love is strong- its on my new sidebar playlist } that goes "why do i worry? why do i freak out? your love is strong...." and i totally totally get that. worries and trying to figure out our lives, when we have never known whats best for us. He has led us in every which way except for the ones that we planned, and here we are completely provided for and purposeful and in a place of growth and strength stemming form following His will, and we dont want to lose that. we want to be free in Him, and trust him enough to GO when he says GO.

anyway, here is my heart:

haiti part 2

2010-01-13T17:52:00.000-08:00

"Church groups are singing throughout the city all through the night in prayer. It is a beautiful sound in the middle of a horrible tragedy." -- From Twitter user troylivesay in Port-au-Prince at 03:09 a.m. Wednesday

if you want to cry,

click here.

if you want to help,

click here.

(we just spent $20 on 117 meals through Feed My Starving Children,

World Vision is awesome too.)

haiti

2010-01-13T16:09:00.000-08:00

today i stared at a wall for an hour and a half.

and somewhere between 30,000 - 100,000 people died.

that really sucks.

can we pray for them?

a morning letter

2010-01-09T11:01:00.000-08:00

One of my classmates from UNLV sent me this. And I cried.

I was sitting at the hockey game tonight and a family brought a little girl maybe 7 years old with cerebral palsy. They carefully walked her down the steps and sat her down in the seat. Her hands were twisted but she had the most pure and innocent smile on her face. I couldn't help myself and I burst into tears. I thought about my own disability and wondered if God saw us as broken and disabled. I remembered the shortest verse in the Bible: Jesus wept. It shows me that God has compassion on us and Jesus did not come to make us feel bad about ourselves but that He loves us. He weeps for us like I wept for that little girl, so innocent and tragically disabled for life. I just feel so bad that we don't have the power to heal people like Jesus and the disciples did. And I always go back to the same thing everybody does: If God is all loving and all knowing, why did he allow for all this suffering and disability to hurt so many people? Why is there so much awfulness and ugliness in the world? And the only answer I get is that God wants to show how much He love us. And that we can show His love to them through the work that we do. Maybe that little girl will be one of our students one day. Maybe she'll grow up and do something great for the world. Or maybe she'll draw one broken man closer to God.

God Bless,

Wesley

like a werewolf, only not at all.

2010-01-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

i am the happiest girl in the world. most people would say that. most people would say that i am obnoxiously joyful all the time. and i am, its whats in my guts.

but those same people dont see me 1-2 hours before i go to sleep. because i morph into a grumpy, hopeless, crazy person. im not really sure what happens in my brain, and i think its because im tired, and it used to not affect anyone but me.

but.

then i married this guy who has to hang out with me. specifically during the 2 hours before bed. and i take it all out on him. almost nightly.

how can you love someone more than life itself and completely hate their freaking guts twenty minutes later???

okay, thats an exaggeration. but still. its really annoying to be married to me when im tired because im a heartless grump.

and then i wake up the next morning singing and giggling at butterflies, and hes like wtf? you wanted to die last night.

which makes no sense to me when im happy. like, sounds like hes crazy because how could i be SO happy, but so miserable 14 hours later?

anyway, that is my weakness. and there is a certain enemy who attacks right at that time. this nagging feeling of misery that isnt even real and why do i keep listening, when i KNOW whats true?

conundrum.

end rant.

husbands and wives and healthy eating

2010-01-07T12:18:00.000-08:00

omar: mmm i want some ice cream.

me: ughhh, i cant have any ice cream.

omar: yes you can. this ice cream is all natural.

me: oh. well. the whole idea is not to eat crap. ice cream is cra.....

omar: me, on the other hand, im a man. my body was built to eat poison. and survive.

it all started when omar and i decided to do a 40 day fast, which involves not eating junk food. which turned into an all natural fast. which turned into me only eating fish and nuts and vegetables, and him eating ice cream, apparently.

i've been a junk food fiend since childhood. im pretty sure it started when my mom told me that sliced apples were cookies for the first four years of my life. i was deprived, and so i made up for it by being addicted to chocolate and doritos and anything made of sugar or with more than 10 grams of fat. once i ate a jar of nutella in 3 hours. dont act like youre not impressed.

anyway, i started wondering what it would be like to be healthy. like, if my body wasnt filled with chemicals and reeses pieces. so, we got ourselves a copy of P90X and some salmon and brown rice. then, suddenly, i realized i married a freakshow.

here is how we eat our food. guess which one is his.

Join us!

2010-01-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

a productive day, 525,600 minutes and a speech

2009-12-30T23:32:00.000-08:00

today i went to

3 Targets

2 Ross'

80% of the stores at the mall

2 random boutiques

Nordstrom

Marshalls

and

PROM!

where i wore a ballgown. it was pretty legit.

so, im pretty stoked for 2010. it just seems so new and awesome and has so much to look forward to and im just kind of over this decade.

i mean, like every significant thing that has ever happened in my life happened in the last decade, but its also been pretty hard in some aspects.

tonight was my friend Max's 30th birthday and after we sang happy birthday everyone started chanting

for him to give a speech, so he did. it was more of a thank you, yada yada yada kind of thing, but what do you even give a speech on?

"how do you measure a year in the life?" (name that musical)

okay, so i was thinking about life speeches and whatnot and heres what i would say to all of my people if i had to give a speech:

"hi, ladies and gentlemen of my life. its new years and we have lived another year of life. and thats really cool because there are alot of people who havent lived another year of life. some people died, but we lived! and thats so awesome and totally out of our control, but good job! this year some people were born, and some were married, and some loved and some fought and there were wars and peace and joy and i brushed my teeth more than 600 times. okay, probably like 400, because i always forget to brush at night. anyway, im really glad that we got to live this whole life thing together, lets keep doing it! its so great! and im having so much fun! i hope you are too. i love you. thank you for being my friend."

and then i would bow and omar would cheer the loudest because hes the best fan ever. and then i would go home and think about how really really really grateful i am to get to be a part of this life with all of you people. youre the best people in the history of ever.

You probably had pimples.

2009-12-26T17:11:00.000-08:00

"It is much easier to keep the humanity out of the incarnation. Clean the manure from around the manger. Wipe the sweat out of his eyes. Pretend he never snored or blew his nose or hit his thumb with a hammer. He's easier to stomach that way. There is something about keeping him divine that keeps him distant, packaged, predictable. But don't do it. For heaven's sake, don't. Let him be as human as he intended to be. Let him into the mire and muck of our world. For only if we let him in can he pull us out”

-Max Lucado

Jesus, You came in to all of this. In the midst of the ugliest places of my soul, you sought out beauty. You called me precious, beloved, wanted, as You were born in my heart. You haven't given up on me, even when i've given up on You. You have fought for me and with me, pushing me to seek redemption, to understand, to want You and want the things you want. You are holy and yet You have made me whole. Your physical presence on this earth has taught me how to love, how to learn, how to be okay with being broken and how to love the brokenness in others, and yet without your holy spirit given strength, I wouldn't know how to face any of that. You saw me from a long way off and you waited patiently for me with open arms. You are my Father, my rock, my strongest anchor, my freedom, my hope, my vision, my savior.

Happy Birthday from your prodigal daughter.

the way some people in our house celebrate christmas

2009-12-25T16:18:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from those of us at the Garcia house who wear peacoats (me too), reindeer pajama pants (me too), and shirts that say, "Go Jesus, it's your birthday!" (not me too, so he totally wins) to see A Christmas Carol at the movies on Christmas morning, give our wives pretty pearls for Christmas, let our wives call us "SNOW-MAR," and are currently mashing potatoes to take to our in laws house.

137 days

2009-12-21T20:36:00.000-08:00

I realize that Christmas is only 3 days away,

but we are even more excited for what happens in 137 days...

We both (finally) graduate college!!!!

{focused on the future}

an ode to our "other" family

2009-12-20T19:21:00.000-08:00

both of our families are somewhat eccentric. they just are. the foundations of our families are peculiar, broken at their core, and filled with unbridled love when its needed the most. i would not trade my family or my in laws for anything in the entire world.

however, throughout my entire life i have longed for consistency, the sense of a "normal" family (as if that exists anywhere) and really, ive just always wanted a group of people who ate dinner together and played board games and were there in the joyful moments and the not-quite-so joyful moments. just a pretty standard longing for normalcy and community in a group of people outside our bloodlines.

and i realized that we are blessed enough to have that in its entirety in this group of people:

(plus their parents)

in their different forms, each one of them have been:

our neighbors

our childhood playmates

our best friends

our parents

our warm home and safe zone

jack and jae jae have stood up as omar's parents more times than he can count. taking him in as a little boy, teaching him how to cross stitch, bailing him out of jail at 2 a.m., feeding and disciplining and encouraging and standing by him day in and day out for at least 18 years.

tracy and i have walked through life together supporting eachother, interceding in prayer, encouraging eachother and putting up with moods (avocado days) and trials, and have had more joyful experiences than i can count. tracy and jose went far out of their way to literally break into the house that contains our wedding slideshow dvd on our wedding day, just because they loved us.

jon has been my best friend (and one time boyfriend), knowing me better than almost anybody. we have committed to taking one another at face value, accepting and loving eachother for exactly who we are. we have gone on wild, beautiful, adventures and gone together to smog checks, banks, grocery stores, and indiana.

together, our families (theirs large and extended and open armed, and our little two person loveboat) have experienced life and death firsthand. i held baby madi in the first hours of her life, prayed over her and tracy as she struggled through child birth, delighted with them when she discovered what it means to be a mother (as i know that she will someday do for me). we watched jack and jae jae as they renewed their vows and recommitted their lives to eachother, threw a going away party for jon when he moved to california, rejoiced together when he came home, traveled to at least five different states and have celebrated countless birthday parties, anniversaries, weddings, and milestones together.

in the carmichael clan , we have found our family away from family, a group of people who enter in when everyone else bails out, the people that we know will never bail when life becomes difficult and never miss an opportunity to celebrate life with us.

i have never thanked them for this, never gone out of my way to let them know how significant their presence is in our lives, and how grateful we are to have them as family.

jack, jae jae, jon, tracy, jose, madi, jeff and gina, THANK YOU. we love you.

blurbs

2009-12-16T11:24:00.000-08:00

Looking back at the last seven years of journaling my life, I wrote alot about feelings and ideas, but not so much about what is actually going on. Here it is:

God carried me kicking and screaming through the first half of this semester, until I finally "got it" and stopped trying to run my own life, which i totally suck at. Anyway, I ended up with straight A's, thanks to my classmates who heelyed with me through campus and didn't give up on me in the midst of my procrastinations.

I have the best job in the world as a nanny, getting to spend each day with smiling little angels in polka dot rain boots and piggy pajamas and wondering how I get paid to have so much fun. I'm going to miss them so much next semester.

The Roof is growing and wonderful. It is so much fun to be a part of such a dynamic ministry. It feels so good to know that we are doing exactly what we were made to do with our friends with special needs. We win.

My best friend, Whitney, lives with us and its awesome. She totally unexpectedly got engaged a couple days ago, and we are planning the most legit wedding there ever was. The best part is that six months ago, I was so bummed that my closest friends weren't married or having babies anytime soon. I started to freak out about raising my kids on my own, while they were both galivating around in single-ness. Now, they are both getting married at the beginning of next year. Score!

I have a thought on that, by the way, even though i'm not writing about feelings or ideas. Getting married young is the most illogical thing you can do. But it is so much fun growing up together!

Omar's band, Summit Grove, is really awesome. They went from five members, to two members, to five members and God is bringing them out of the desert.

This month is going to be filled with ugly sweater parties, cookie exchanges, magical forest excursions, and absolute christmas awesomeness which i hope involves this skirt:

the end.

growing down take 2- still true.

2009-12-16T10:30:00.000-08:00

repost from Sunday, December 28, 2008

growing down

i am sitting in my kitchen eating Jesus' birthday cake which is three days old and probably the best cake ive ever had. cake and milk is still a good snack, even when youre not six.

and on that note, im officially convinced that i grew up too fast. the girl who was named "most likely to never grow up," i am always, always, a contradiction. a cigar-smokin (well, once) bible readin spaghettios eatin 21 year old bride, who has never made any sense. i think ive found my identity in this. this, and the many years ive spent building all of this up.
living, and being quite reckless with other peoples hearts, while carefully guarding my own. sometimes i feel cheated by my choices, because i dont have stories of late night clubbing or drunken bar hopping. i dont own stilletos and ive never smoked a cigarette or tasted whiskey.
the closest memories i have resembling all of that are made up of running through war-torn spanish cities late at night in my underwear with people whos names i dont remember, walking five miles barefoot to see the eiffel tower, sleeping in airports and traveling the australian coast with one of the kindest strangers ive ever known. ive had my motives questions and have spent many a night explaining to people why my choices are not the most ridiculous and naive thing theyve ever heard. ive lied and prayed my way out of situations that had no way out. one time, i didnt shower for more than a week. i lived on a whim, and prayed that i wasnt killing myself in the process, experiencing in two years what takes most people late into their twenties to accomplish.

and then he showed up.

the man who would one day tame my wild heart, the person who i sometimes resentfully, but mostly affectionately, refer to as my anchor. the one who loved me without knowing me, but had a burning question on his heart, "is this what life with you is like?"
and how do you respond to that, knowing that he is the greatest gift that God has given you in this life, but wanting him to know all of you, to know what he was getting himself into?
"this is what life with me is like right now. im all over the place. but when im 25 ill have a steady job and a family. and when im 45 ill enjoy baking and traveling all over the world with you, or not, its your call. and when im 75 you and i will sit on rocking chairs on our porch and talk about the sky or the weather and the wonderful things that weve experienced together. but for now? this is what life with me is like."

and now, it is more like being 23 and staying at home studying the IEP process in special education with the faint sounds of my husbands voice echoing from his recording studio, trying to get from 20 to 25, wondering whether this transition is even possible... but it has to be, because people somehow make it through this awkward place of being a kid and being a wife.

i was standing in line at a store the other day when a middle-aged hispanic man standing behind me in a cowboy hat tried to stike up a conversation about second-hand furniture and politicians from illinois. i brought up my political science major husband, and was quickly interrupted by the statement that i've heard at least 342342374982375 times,
"YOURE MARRIED??? but youre so young!"
and then,
"How old are you? I can tell you your future right now." (smirk, smirk)

being married is, by far, the hardest thing i've ever done, it has stretched me and made me feel like im in over my head many times, i've decided over and over again that i grew up too fast and i am unprepared for all of this. married women envy single women and single women envy marrried women, and i am 23 and dont even consider myself a woman yet and i envy everyone, including myself, which should be added to my list of resolutions.

but as long as im unprepared and in over my head and growing up too fast with him, ill be okay. because what ive discovered in the last few weeks is that nobody has any idea how to do this, this human thing, and even fewer people know how to be under thirty and married (or under 120 and married), so ive realized ive either got to own it or abandon it, and abandon is not an option.

a grand discovery

2009-12-10T21:44:00.000-08:00

so once upon a time i began researching a certain music artist and listening to every. single. song shes ever written. and i may or may not have watched all of her music videos and read her biography and looked at every picture that she has on google images and then facebooked about my new discovery and how much i love her. and then all of my friends, including middle aged men, were like, "umm, she came out like three years ago and you just now noticed?" and, well yeah.

I LOVE TAYLOR SWIFT.

im thinking about standing outside her window and begging her to get matching BFF bracelets with me, but apparently thats considered stalking?

hairy green donut

2009-12-04T20:15:00.000-08:00

so, i just finished three weeks in a first grade class with the sweetest teacher ever and the most fun 6 year olds in the world. i fell in love with one of them, named Ramon. he is the smallest kid in the class and looks like a little tiny Omar. so cute. when he talks he gets all up in your face and his eyes become super wide and he talks with a lisp/ slight spanish accent and he says the most random things. for example:

"i drew a worm. do you think its the cutest worm ever?"

"i like oreos because im so good at eating them!"

"i worked SO SO SOOOOO hard today!"

"do you think im stronger than my dad?"

(after playing Scrabble Slam together) "this is the best day of school ever! of my whole entire life!"

"we celebrate christmas because its santas birthday!"

but my verrry favorite was Thursday when i had them write in their journals about a family holiday tradition, and he wrote

"my favorite family holiday tradishun is when we always hang a big green donut on are door. and its hairy!"

get it? a big, green, hairy, donut??? i will never call it a wreath again.

oh, and once upon a time (aka last year) we werent too sick to go to our annual Magical Forest trip. like, we werent stuck at home while all of our friends enjoyed a tradition that we've had for FIVE years. whatever. eff you, flu.

Escape tactics

2009-11-27T14:10:00.000-08:00

at least 4 times a day, i think about running away. i get the wandering blues, and off my heart goes trying to rescue itself from whatever it thinks is trying to cage it. i panic, i feel like my wings are being clipped and tagged and im going to be stationary forever, and i feel myself losing control, saying things i dont mean, hoping for things i dont want, and trying my best to just BE. but just being is really really hard for me, the thorn in my flesh, the thing that suffocates my joy because i cant just be content and present, my soul is always elsewhere and i scream for freedom and forget that ive already been given that. i am already free to love and heal and forgive and trust and desire all the right things. the chains of my human nature have already been cut, and if i could just remember that in the moments where i picture myself running through fields in places that dont exist and with people who ive built up to the point that they are imaginary, if i could just bask in the freedom that comes with knowing christ and not listen to the voices that tell me to abandon everything He has given me, if i could just find a middle ground in the discrepancy between the capacity of this life and the tangible goodness right in front of me, then i would have no reason to escape from the things that arent even holding me back in the first place. some people are birds and some people are trees, and there are some people that are birds who try to be trees but really are not trees, they are really made to be birds and to figure out that there is a time to fly and a time to find a tree and rest. im just really bad at the resting part.

National "I love Omar day"

2009-11-21T10:41:00.000-08:00

When the song "Apologize" by One Republic first came out, Omar bought the c.d. and we sat in our bathtub and listened to it 4,857 times (give or take, but probably give). Then, randomly, I came across free tickets to their concert at the Palms hotel. Score! Thus was born, national "I love Omar day." You can't have a holiday like that without presents, so I went to the 85% off rack at Kohls and bought him a pretty legit Ironman shirt and some pajama pants, and a card that promised my whole life away to him, which is kind of redundant, but I hope that by now he gets that I want to be with him forever and ever and ever and, heres some pictures from a camera we "stole" from our friends:

Also, listen to Omar's new song at www.purevolume.com/summitgrove

To our (way in the) future children,

2009-11-15T22:53:00.000-08:00

were sorry that you have the most embarrassing parents ever.

were sorry that your mom pees in the ocean and that we pick our noses at parties.

were sorry in advance for adding you on facebook, or myspace, or mypodonian, or whatever social network telepathy bo-jangled invention plagues your generation, but im sure we will take it as an opportunity to tell the entire internet how cute your little tushies are.

we love you, and hope you eat all your vegetables.

pregnant as usual, except not. as usual.

2009-11-11T11:41:00.000-08:00

every month I think i'm pregnant.

so far, its been 27 months since we got married,

and every single one, for at least a couple days, i convince myself im pregnant. thankfully i only took pregnancy tests twice, and both were in the beginning. i've since learned that the $10 and awkward feeling of being so disappointed and so relieved is not worth the extra couple of days of wondering.

you would think that by month 23 i would realize that im probably not pregnant and i shouldnt let the thought cross my mind. except that month 23 marked the month i stopped taking birth control (forever and ever no matter what) and started natural family planning.

do you know what happens when you tell someone youre doing natural family planning? they laugh in your face. everytime. or they say that they think its cute, and then they laugh in your face. they laugh because they expect you to look like this in a few months:

except not a gangster probably.

anyway, im probably not pregnant, even though im nauseous at the same time everyday, my lower back hurts, and i feel hot and cold all the time and im moody. see? now you think i am too.

anyway, were on a five year plan. which is not really a five year plan, because if you want to know how my ten year plan from five years ago worked out, here it is:

fall 2006- graduate college with a degree in elementary education ---FAIL

spring 2007- move to mexico and open a school for orphans---FAIL

2009- meet my husband, but dont date yet because brains arent fully developed until age 25 ----FAIL

2010- date my husband ---FAIL

2011- marry my husband ----FAIL

2014- have our first baby ----- totally still possible, but i wont count on it.

heres the thing about babies and husbands and living in orphanages in mexico: i decided not to be in charge of my life almost exactly 7 years ago. good thing, too.

i wouldnt trade right now for anything.

but, if a fetus happens to develop in my womb in less than five years?

i wouldnt trade that for anything either.

Dear Katie, Thanks.

2009-11-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

This girl's blog is changing my life, and will change yours too, if you let it.

"It is my 16th Birthday and I am eating sushi at my favorite restaurant with my parents when I tell them that I would like to explore the possibility of taking a year in between high school and college to do mission work. This is unheard of in my family and they say they are not sure and will think about it. I am nervous, but somehow I know it is right. He changes their hearts.

I have just turned 18 and find an orphanage online. I beg my parents to let me visit over break, just three weeks. A month later I am on a plane. I am so excited. I am so scared of being, but I know He is going with me. I fall in love.

I graduate high school having made the commitment to teach Kindergarten for a year at a school in The Middle of Nowhere, Uganda. In August I get on the plane. I’m apprehensive and I cry most of the way because I miss my Mommy and my boyfriend. I am eager, but so uncertain. I trust Him. I teach 138 children how to speak English and to love Jesus.

It is October and I am just not sure I can do it anymore. I live in the smallest room I have ever seen in the back of a pastor’s house. I am more uncomfortable than I had bargained for. No one understands, not people here, not people at home. I am tired. But I am prideful and I am not going to quit. I don’t like this. But I know He has a plan. I learn, I grow, He is there.

It is December and God has spoken very clearly about opening a ministry that sponsors 40 of the orphaned children in the village where I am working. This involves moving into a different house, ALONE. It is big and I cannot imagine how God will fill it up. I am lonely and I am anxious. But I am still trusting. He fills the house, and we now have 400 children sponsored.

It is January and I am looking at a little girl, crushed under a brick wall with no one to care for her or her younger siblings. I offer to take the three home with me until we find them a better placement. I am not really sure what to do with them, but I know they are God’s children. They stay.

It is three days later and the littlest looks at me and calls me mommy. My heart might break in two. Something clicks. I am even more scared than I was the day I stepped on that plane, but I KNOW. Today I have 13.

I have to deliver a baby, give a boy stitches, pull a tooth, give and injection. I am petrified. But no one will do it if I do not. He is present, He holds my hand, they are all fine.

It is August and I must get on a plane back to America to go to college, as I have promised my father. I do not remember how to be a teenager or what it is to be normal Brentwood, Tennessee. I will have to leave my babies. I will have to make new friends. I am sad and I am terrified. He wraps His arms around me. He puts just the right people in just the right places, and they help me and they make me feel at home.

First semester is over and He speaks clearly to me that I cannot serve two masters. “Go HOME,” He says, “and stay.” I am uncertain, but I want to be obedient. He squeezes tighter. I am thankful.

I have to look at my loving parents who have given me everything and tell them that I will not go to college right now, because I feel God wants me to be in Uganda. I know how disappointed and how angry they will be. I am more scared than I was when I got on the plane and more scared than I was when I took my first children. But I know that this IS the Plan. They love me anyway.

It is February and my daughter’s biological father comes to take her away. My heart breaks in half, and I am not sure I will ever be able to get out of my bed again, let alone foster another child. I am more than devastated, but I want what is best for her, what He wants for her. She comes back and her biological father learns about Jesus.

It is March and a lame little girl is brought to my gate. She is undoubtedly mine, but I am still anxious. What if I can’t do it? I don’t know what to do with a special needs child, especially as my 13th child. I am criticized and ridiculed. I wonder. I trust and praise God for her sweet little life. She starts to walk.

I find myself in a village full of starving people that for some reason seem to want to kill me. God says to serve them anyway. I am not sure how it is going to work, or if it is safe. I can’t figure it out, but I know He can. 1,200 Karamajongs, the poorest of Uganda’s poor, are now served hot meals daily.

We keep taking in more children until there are 400 in our program. There is no way we will raise enough funds, but by now I have stopped worrying. He has always provided. Blessings rain from the sky, and all 400 children go to school.

I am 20 years old and have 13 children and 400 more who all depend on me for their care. Who are all learning to love Jesus and be responsible adults and looking up to me. The reality of it all can be a bit overwhelming at times. However, it is always pure joy. There is a common misconception that I am courageous. I will be the first to tell you that this is not actually true. Most of the time, I am not brave. I just believe in a God who will use me even though I am not. Most mornings, before I even get out of bed I am overwhelmed with His goodness, with His plan for my life; I stand in awe of the fact that He could entrust me with so much. Most days, I don’t have much of a plan. I don’t always know where this is going. I can’t see the end of the road, but here is the great part: Courage is not about knowing the path. It is about taking the first step. It is about Peter, getting out of the boat. I do not know my five year plan; even tomorrow will probably not go as I have planned. I am thrilled and I am terrified, in a good way. So some call it courage, some call it foolish, I call it Faith. I choose to get out of the boat. To take the next step. Sometimes I walk straight into His arms. More often, I get scared and look down and stumble. Sometimes I almost completely drown. And through it all, He never lets go of my hand."

www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com

Dear Anne Frank, Thanks.

2009-11-07T08:19:00.000-08:00

"And finally I twist my heart round again, so that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside, and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be, and could be, if there weren't any other people living in the world."

Living with a bum wife who doesnt listen

2009-11-02T11:57:00.000-08:00

poor omar. im really a pain in the ass.

like, really.

like, last night for instance, when he wanted food and i demanded that we go to panda express even though i dont like chinese food at all, but just because there was a jamba juice inside the same place where there is a panda, and then the jamba juice was closed but i demanded that the guy make me a smoothie anyway because i used to make smoothies and really? they arent that hard to make. he made me one. it was strawberry and tasted way too foamy.

anyway, back to the reason im a pain in the ass, he cleaned his side of the room like 3 days ago and mine is still all piled up and im laying in bed and hes at school getting an education and actually contributing to society. im so glad we know Christ. seriously though, without Him we would be a pair of drunken pot-heads with no jobs or money or education and we would probably live off of our parents for the rest of our lives. with Christ, only a third of that is true, and thats great. we dont suck at life entirely.

oh ya, and i dont listen. like, omar will tell me something and then ill be like "umm...thats a really dumb idea" and then five minutes later i'll be like "oh, ya, we should totally do this and that" and he'll be like "umm... i said that like five minutes ago."

sorry if this is completely incoherent.

i've been bringing this up alot lately, but when i was in high school i had a boyfriend who cleaned my room multiple times a week. and then bought me flowers. and made me peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches cut diagonally. and wrote me poems that he typed up in cool fonts and put on my mirror. and brought me breakfast everyday when he picked me up for school. and not just breakfast, like all of my favorite foods and hot chocolate and mix cds too. and carried me everywhere.

and hes dead now (which i put pretty bluntly, but it actually makes me want to throw up everytime i think about it.)

anyway, i have been loved well. abundantly. and i think that he taught me how to be loved, but in ways that were much more tangible than any other person could ever offer, and so now i have this totally rad husband who does everything for me but i dont appreciate it because it seems mediocre? so lame of me. sorry if i sound like a spoiled brat, im really not. but kind of am.

but around here, you dont gotta lie to kick it. moral of the story: omar rocks at life and husbandry.

Dear Jesus, Thanks.

2009-11-02T11:11:00.000-08:00

It happened. 25 people. Leaders, Parents, High school girls who gave up their Saturday night to hang out with us, and kids who laughed and danced and sang and played games and ate pizza and were loved and valued and thats all that matters.

{And to you I lift my voice
And to you I lift my hands
And to you I give my heart...}

Dear Teddy, Thanks.

2009-10-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

{Somebody should have made me listen to this song when I was sixteen, I heard it for the first time recently, and it totally moves my heart and jacks me up inside and makes me sit down and chill the bleep out, which is such a good thing.}

You

love to run
into the arms of anyone
take off your shoes and socks and stay a while

you like the adrenaline rush
just a little too much
you go from day to day, hand to mouth
and wonder why you're unsatisfied

cause love is a marathon
that's why you get tired so fast of everyone
slow down and pace yourself
cause when it's good
it's a long open road

you think still
you find a soul behind a thrill
you're just a cat chasing your tail round and round
but if you relax
something might last

cause love is a marathon
that's why you get tired so fast of everyone
slow down and pace yourself
cause when it's good
it's a long open road

you're exausted
always coming down
trying to come up for air
trying to try to act like you just dont care

la da dum dee da da

{chorus }
cause love is a marathon
that's why you get tired so fast of everyone
slow down and pace yourself
cause when it's good
it's a long open road

it's a long long road yeah

-Teddy Geiger

Listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StT-z-yRYVs

Now that I have seen

2009-10-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, I had no idea about people with disabilities, only that they existed in the cracks of life, and that I didn't want to stare at them too long because it would be rude. I had no idea about the power of the love of God, and how His love compels people to do remarkable, world-changing things.

And then I knew. The two collided, and I knew everything I had ever wondered about my purpose and vision for my life and for our world. And, yet I still know nothing. I have no idea what im doing, but im doing it for Him and I think that's all that matters.

Three years ago, I went to Younglife camp for the first time. I was already a Younglife leader, and was excited about being a part of such a dynamic, authentic ministry. I was stoked about meeting high school kids in the midst of their craziness, and providing them with the opportunity to have fullness of life by sharing life with them and telling them how much God loves them and wants a relationship with them.

My Younglife girl, Katie and I hiked up the side of a mountain carrying a rope and a tether that would enable us to fly over the lake on the longest zipline in the country. We raced up the mountain, gasping for breath, excited to step off the edge of a rock and fly through the air into the unknown. And then we stopped in our tracks. At the rock was a man who couldn't have been much older than I was, and a highschool aged boy who couldn't have been much younger than Katie. It was evident that the boy had down syndrome, and was terrified to go down the zipline. The line at the bottom got longer, as the man, the boy's leader, encouraged and prayed for the boy with more passion than I had ever encountered in my 20 year old life. I have no recollection of what was said or how much time passed(at least an hour) and there are not enough words in my vocabulary to describe what took place in my heart on top of that mountain that day, but it changed everything.

When a person has an encounter with the divine, it is a blessing and a curse. The blessing lies in the experience itself, witnessing such a beautiful, God-ordained moment. The curse, though, is an incredible burden wrapped up in a question: now that I have seen this, what do I do?

I didn't know how to answer that question, but I came home and changed my college major to Special Education. My best friend and I met with people and went to trainings and wrote prayer letters, and did everything in our power to start Younglife's ministry for high school kids with disabilities in our area. And nothing happened. We got wrapped up in life, and ministry, oh, and I married my soulmate somewhere along the line, and three years passed and there I was with a wonderful life and marriage and almost finished with my Special Education degree but still wondering what God wanted from my life. And all I could think about was how much I want to use my life to love people with disabilities, people who are often only considered in the cracks of life, but who have immeasurable worth and deserve fullness of life and the love of God in the same way that everyone else does, maybe more.

And that brings us to today. Two days away from having our first Younglife Capernaum Club (ours is called The Roof). I have tears in my eyes as I write that. This is my heart, to spend my life loving, serving, and celebrating life with high school kids with disabilities through the ministry of Younglife. I've gotten to know so many wonderful kids in the last few years through teaching, and my heart is exploding with joy and anxiety and appreciation and hope as God moves through this new adventure.

(Kevin, who eventually went down the zipline/ changed my life)

If you'd like to help us "Raise the Roof" (haha), you can pray for:

-Leaders with serving hearts

-Highschool kids that want to hang out with and love their peers with disabilities

-Kids with disabilities to come and have the time of their lives!

-Parents of kids with disabilities to come alongside us, want their kids involved, experience God's love through their kids' involvement in Capernaum

-Funds to pay for The Roof club details (food, prizes, etc.) and for scholarships for kids to go to camp

-And that our ministry would open the floodgates for all people, especially Christians, to recognize the value and worth in people with disabilities

Dear Miley, Thanks.

2009-10-12T21:27:00.000-07:00

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

a knot and a battle.

2009-10-10T18:34:00.000-07:00

i finally tied my hair in a knot on the top of my head! just hair! no pins! ive been wanting to do this since i saw it in a book when i was six. and i look like a fish in the picture! today is such an epic day!

in other news, i need to get my priorities straight. and then take those priorities and shuffle them up again so i can make sure that im not wasting my life. im failing beautifully at being a star student at school right now, and its not because i dont care. i just really enjoy procrastinating and have so much on my plate,

exhibit a:

and im trying to find purpose in being present, but how can i be everywhere at once? and how much will the things i spend my time on matter when im dead? i know thats a little grave, but i find myself literally obsessing over little details of life and missing all the big stuff. just been doing a lot of heart searching and asking myself why i do the things i do, and if i come up with any answer but LOVE then i have to find a way to cut it out of my life. period. which is about as much fun as... umm... something that really sucks.

For whoever wants to save his lifewill lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?

Mark 8:35-36

everythings amazing and nobodys happy

2009-10-10T18:08:00.000-07:00

fullness of perfection

2009-10-05T20:14:00.000-07:00

“He is half blessed man left to be finished by such as she and she is fair divided excellence whose fullness of perfection lies in him”

-William Shakesphere

3

2009-10-05T09:46:00.000-07:00

august 26, 2008

i have a list with 26 names on it. it should really only have 3. only 3 have changed me, shaped me, amazed me.
one still does, and will always.
the other 23 were there to fill the gaps, the gaps between who i am and who im supposed to be, to teach me how not to do things.
one broke me quickly and carefully ordered my steps, my legs wobbling, my heart still bleeding from the pain of healing, one so patient, so revolutionary, that more than 500 would later show up to honor him- a man who lived beyond the limits of this life, and whose selflessness captivated people all over the world, and yet was somehow used in my small, broken, life to piece me together, to make me whole. the mouth that God used to call me His own.
the second wandered awkwardly into my life from a door accidentally left open. this one approached too soon, but without warrant, rewrote truth across everything i had miswritten. i was falling, fast, fast, fast, and he was the speedbump- the reason to reexamine. the way i had treated others, but mostly the way i treated myself. this one taught me the value of not handing my heart out like candy on halloween, that there is more to all of this than what is in front of me. this one, and only this one, gave me vision and clarity for everything that would come. this one taught me that there was something so genuine, so real, that to experience it elsewhere would be to pass it by, that there was something out there worth waiting for.
lastly- the one. the one in the next chair over, the one that appeared many times right under my nose, the answer to everything i had ever asked or hoped for. the knight in metallic blue armor that would envelop me in his affections, would completely captivate my heart before i could pause to realize what was happening. the knowing. the way things were supposed to be and couldve been had Eve stayed away from the tree. the one that required the very thing that i knew nothing about, but am quickly learning. the patient, patient, one whose soul has been matched with mine.

it seems that completion always comes in three. that entities are somewhat incomplete unless they coexist with two other parts, at least in this case.

my tribute to the people that have changed my life would ideally be chronological, but it does not seem to be unfolding as such. it seems that oftentimes people can be very far away before you realize their value, but when you do- you do.

"a no-name slob"

2009-10-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

the cat i never wanted is curled up at my feet with his tail over his eyes, all four paws wrapped around my leg, and his cold, wet, nose squished between my toes.

he is exactly my kind of cat, except that i never wanted him.

omar and i took several quizzes and compatibility surveys before we got married. the one and only that we agreed on completely, every time: NO PETS. having come from pet-filled households, we both have experienced the hard work that goes into caring for a creature, and weve both felt the pain of losing one we loved dearly. we appreciate people that have pets, grant them kudos, and recognize that we are not pet-people. we like humans. like eachother. or our friends. or babies. or strangers. anything but pets.

HOWEVER,

we offered to cat-sit our friends blue eyed bundle of baby kitten for a few weeks while she figured out her living situation. she never came back to get him. that was a year and a half ago.

and thus was born our joyful little lover of a cat. that im still allergic to. that we tried to give away on myspace. that is fast asleep with my foot as his pillow. he's a calm cat that doesnt ask for alot besides food once a day, an open toilet to drink from, and cuddles. lots of cuddles.

oh, and he is the prettiest cat that ever lived. and humble too. please don't tell him how good-looking he is, we dont want him to get a big head.

by the way, he doesnt have a name (think Breakfast at Tiffany's). we just call him "kitty."

Without you

2009-09-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

Since my birth 8786 days ago,

My heart has beaten more than 910828800 times.

Since your birth 4555 days ago,

Your heart has beaten more than 472262400 times.

You.

Everything that I always wanted to be but never was.

And somehow still, everything I am.

But mostly, everything you are.

How in the world did I live 4231 days without you, little sister?

Opacity and the man i love

2009-09-19T13:14:00.000-07:00

The sweetest love is to see right through everything and into his soul. To see past his masks, short-comings, flaws, and mistakes and into the deepest places of his heart, and still be completely enamored with him.

I believe that is why the love of God is so miraculous,

fully known,

and yet;

fully loved.

I think you're an awesome girl

2009-09-08T21:39:00.000-07:00

Thanks to that sweet girl, Quenchant of the Curious, for this blog award:

which requires 10 useless/interesting facts about me:

1. One time I lived off of just Nutella and bread and box wine for an entire week in Paris.

2. I have a ten inch horizontal scar on the left side of my body.

3. I kissed 25 boys before I met my husband, and I have them written down in chronological order. Eww.

4. I ran before I walked and I walked before I crawled, which has made me terribly uncoordinated.

5. I like peanut butter, mayonnaise, banana, raisin sandwiches.

6. Recently I developed an addiction to any and all hair products that smell like pumpkin.

7. I know more than half of the Hannukah prayer for lighting the menorah. I also know the preamble to the constitution by heart.

8. I don't call my husband by his name, nor does he call me by mine. We are both just "Baba," and always have been.

9. This weekend I spent $14 on 4 shirts and 2 pairs of pants, all brand new, all with pricetags of more than $20.

10. I recently stopped taking birth control because it was ruining my life, and now my hub and I are navigating through natural family planning. Birth control was so much easier.

And now, I pass this award onto Roed Book, Chelseaamberrobbins, and Making Memories.

<3<3<3

Thoughts on grace

2009-08-30T23:47:00.000-07:00

"He has a single, relentless stance toward us: he loves us. He is the only God man has ever heard of who loves sinners. False gods-the gods of human understanding-despise sinners, but the Father of Jesus loves all, no matter what they do. But of course this is almost too incredible for us to accept. Nevertheless, the central affirmation of the Reformation stands: through no merit of ours, but by his mercy, we have been restored to a right relationship with God through the life, death, and resurrection of his beloved Son. This is the Good News, the gospel of Grace" -Brennan Manning

beautiful mess

2009-08-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

this constant
unnerving
restlessness
that creeps into every blessed moment
the discomfort in the
comfortable
and ongoing slight detachment
from the present
everything
everything
to feel less
homesick.
looking around
knowing what was
intended to be,
desperately trying
to clean up the mess
that weve made.
that ive made.
its not that im ungrateful
for the way youve transformed my very being
for your word that has held me tightly
for the patient beating heart in the bed next to me
for the strands of friendship that are not quickly broken.
its just that i see a world
desperate
for You
and hearts shattered on the floor
and im running around trying to salvage as many as possible,
knowing that its useless
but its worth it.
you made this beautiful mess
and planted in the midst of the misery
a garden of dandelions
and with your breath
you use every seedling from every stem
to scatter your love,
until you return to reclaim your flowers
and set the captives free.
until then, i long for you every moment
and pray that your kingdom come
your will be done
on earth,
as it was intended.

Allie Garcia
January, 2008

the day i got a new mac/how God changed everything in three months

2009-08-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

it started off like any other day. i woke up, made out with my hub-a-lub, got a potentially life changing phone call, chose the easy road, struggled and prayed. if you told me three months ago that my life would look the way its going to this semester i would have laughed in your face and told myself that it would never be that good. but, it is that good. He is that good. He has taken my mourning and turned it into dancing, he has taken the prayers i lifted up into the cool air of fall 2006, prayers that i thought evaporated into the night sky, and answered them. not on my timing. not the way i planned. but He is faithful, and all of my wildest dreams are coming true. including, but not at all limited to, my favorite president of all time buying me a mac. maybe it isnt panning out exactly like that, but government funding for poor, young, married kids is not scarce, and neither are student loans, and i'd like to thank my prez for blessing me with a new! working! computer! that doesnt shut off! and actually charges! (Hi, Obama, Hi!)

in reality though, God is doing big, big, things that are alot more relevant to the transformation of the universe than new computers and He is letting me be a part of it. which makes me cry alot. usually in the shower. it is really a miraculous thing to pray numerous prayers that you thought were going unanswered and then have them all answered at once without any effort of your own. were going to yogurtland now.

soon i will write a post on "how i spent my summer vacation/ life without your own computer for three months"- stay tuned. <3

2 years and counting

2009-07-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

Some things i've learned from being married to Omar for exactly two years (and dating him for exactly three):

- It's okay to call a timeout in the middle of an argument, cuddle all night, and resume said argument in the morning.

- It is absolutely vital to pursue what youre about, figure out whats in your guts.

-whip cream is pretty good on any kind of cereal, particularly lucky charms.

- purple curtains are a good accent color for an all beige and black room.

- its okay to be a human being, and not just a human doing.

- its actually really important to just be. not do. just exist.

-like, vital to life.

-for a house to be cute, it doesnt have to have word art all over it.

-there is more value in having several close, healthy, relationships than many many surface ones.

-sushi is only good with wasabi.

-a person can learn how to do almost anything.

-marriage is really really hard.

-marriage is also the single most magnificent relationship any person can be a part of.

-beer doesn't always taste like throw-up.

-there is absolutely, positively, no amount of grace that can be considered too much.

-hobbies are important. whether it be golf or remote-controlled airplanes or plastic cameras, pursue your interests.

-it is remarkably difficult to overcome habits that you have lived with for years, it is also totally possible.

-panic at the disco does not suck.

-when mopping the floor, make sure you mop it twice to avoid streaks.

- soy sauce makes everything taste better.

- being married is like having a slumber party with your best friend every single night of your freaking life.

- love is only true love if it is absolutely unconditional. this is not a feeling, but a choice. to choose to love someone unconditionally means to look past absolutely everything they have or dont have to offer and to look into the depths of their soul. this kind of love can overcome arrogance and anger, jealousy and greed, pride, addiction, selfishness, boredom, and self-righteousness. and it has.

Happy 2 year birthday to our love! Heres to at least another 75 years!

disappeared

2009-07-23T10:48:00.000-07:00

Dear blog world,

Due to the death of my laptop and upcoming/ recent adventures which include, but are not limited to, remodeling our downstairs bathroom (on less than $20, which has quickly become my favorite room in the house), being in the midst of overcoming an enormous obstacle in our life (something that ive prayed for for years), lack of summer school and subsequent mass amount of quality time with my husband, John Piper's book- Dont Waste Your Life(Drop what youre doing and READ IT), our upcoming two year anniversary camping trip, our beach adventure with our friends, birthdays, weddings, homeless people, and bible studies, I havent successfully existed on the internet for the last few weeks. This will continue to be an issue until Barack Obama buys me a new macbook in August (Thanks, pal!). Until then, I hope that you are enjoying the summer heat and joy that comes with being alive.

love,

allie

side note, heres my camping list, for storage reasons.

camping list:

backpack

toiletpaper

paper towels

salt, pepper, seasoning, ketchup, etc.

forks,knives, spoons

flashlight

lantern

boogieboards

swimsuits

sunscreen

insect repellent

towels

ipod dock and batteries

ipods

cooler

tent

airmattress

lighter

lighter fluid

kindling

wood bundle

books

chairs?

water (case)

wedding outfits

Rich and Erika's wedding present

toiletries

clothes

tennis shoes

can opener

plates, cups, bowls

knife

ice packs

sleeping bag, blankets

holga and film

cards

first aid kit

shovel

hammer

newspaper

pillows

charcoal

garbage bags

grocery bags

maps, directions, confirmation emails

On the sex of our future children

2009-07-11T09:16:00.000-07:00

Him: I want a boy first.
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah, so make that happen. Do whatever you gotta do in there.
Me: Umm, the man's sperm determines the sex of the baby.
Him: Oh. Then I got that. Boom! yah! hah!

My sweet, plastic, friend.

2009-07-09T18:31:00.000-07:00

Remember this post?

Wellll, a few minutes after writing about my discovery of the Holga camera, I researched it fervently and discovered that it is pretty much the best invention since the toaster. Then, I bought the complete set for $60. Free Shipping.
In fact, this is what the first page of my new Holga book says:

"Think your eyes are open? I'm afraid to say that until this very moment they have been closed. The unassuming Holga is here to save you from a future of digital pixels and images shared on small screens on cameras or phones. We have all become numbed with photography, there is no denying it, but a chunky camera made almost entirely of plastic has been put on this Earth to save us. It will reawaken your vision, fill you with joy, make you see beauty when you thought it had disappeared forever, and bring out sunshine on a cloudy day."

I feel like that is alot to expect out of a $30 piece of plastic. So far, it is really cool. It came in the mail yesterday, and I have only taken four pictures with it, one of which had the lens cap on. Tomorrow The Mr and I are going to take her out for a few hours and use up all her film on carousels and sunsets. I'll let you know how that goes.

Curly: The Musical

2009-07-08T14:20:00.000-07:00

So, Once Upon A Time, my sweet husband (who didn't have long, luscious, curls) worked a 9-5 escrow job and made more money than he knew what to do with and hated it. One day, in a tunnel, I prayed that he would have a different job, one that he loved, and was incredible at, and felt like he was made to do. Several months after we got married, he was laid off.
He was bummed, and I (secretly) rejoiced.
Fast forward (almost) two years. Our living room has been transformed into a music studio. I have seen him perform in several cities, and go from being a beginner pianist to...well, a not at all beginner pianist. The sounds this guy can produce make my toes tingle. He is a very secretive and private kind of guy, so the entire universe has no idea what will hit them when the world becomes his audience.
You'llll seeee.
AND, the very best part is that he has found a career with purpose and meaning, and he is doing exactly what he was made to do.
Hooray!
And the very, very, best part is that when you are a workfromhome musician, you get to have yummy curly hair that gets stuck in my eyelashes when you kiss me.
And we lived happily ever after.

Its July

2009-07-01T22:32:00.000-07:00

July= anniversary month. As in, month of TWO YEARS AND WERE STILL MARRIED. Score! Every year is one more dart in the face of the naysayers and ridiculous divorce rates. In celebration I will probably be writing more often than usual about how I accidentally married my best friend, not even knowing that under his handsome, rugged, overpriced clothing, was the man of my dreams. I thought I knew, but I was deeply infatuated and he is really cute and fun and funny, and those things are nice but they arent the kind of things that hold marriages together. Or maybe they are.
Anyway, I lucked out. Hit the jackpot with a quarter I found on the ground. Lucky me!

lover's quarrel

2009-07-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

me: i love you, kid.

hub: hmm?
me: love you, kid.
hub: i'm a person. a grown up person.
me: oh. love you, person.
hub: ahem?
me: love you, grown up person.

Holga

2009-06-25T23:11:00.000-07:00

to whom it may concern,

can i please have one of these?

they are very inexpensive and unpredictable and fun. did i mention inexpensive?

heres a website: http://fredflare.com/customer/product.php?productid=2785&cat=309

if i had one of those, i could take pictures like these:

they make the colors vibrant, pictures blur together, you never know what youre gonna get! please?

love,
allie
(a future Holga photographer)

Thoughts on being alive

2009-06-25T22:31:00.000-07:00

watching Into the Wild and eating orange otter pops and brown rice for dinner and making art and living with a guy who wears striped socks
= being alive.

The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.”
— Chris McCandless

p.s. Babas, can we make one of these?

Ive kicked a fish!

2009-06-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

In case youve ever wanted to know if ive squished barefoot through mud or gone streaking, here you go. :)

Have you ever?
Level 1
() Smoked A Cigarette
(x) Smoked A Cigar
(x) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex

SO FAR: 2

Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
(x) dumped someone
(x) Shoplifted
() Been Fired
() Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 5

Level 4
(X) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped Class
() Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR:8

Level 5
(x) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
(x) Been To Paris
(x) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane

SO FAR:12

Level 6
(x) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been Snowboarding
() Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook
(x) Been in a Mosh Pit

SO FAR: 15

Level 7
() Been In An Abusive Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers (Tylenol counts)
() Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 18

Level 8
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone mudding (offroading)
(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 23

Level 9
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x) Gone Sledding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 28

Level 10
(x) Watched The Sun Set
(x) Felt An Earthquake
() Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 30

Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
() Been Robbed / Vandalized
(x) Been cheated on
(x) Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 33

Level 12
(X) Won A Contest
() Been Suspended From School
(x) Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 36

Level 13
(x) Had / Have Braces
() Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Danced in the moonlight

SO FAR : 39

Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look
(x) Witnessed A Crime
() Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
() Been obsessed with post-it-notes

SO FAR: 42

Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
(x) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 47

Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 52

Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(x) Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 56

Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About :)
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere

SO FAR: 60

Level 19
() Crashed A Party
() Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
() Been Humped By A Monkey

SO FAR: 63

Level 20
(x) Worn Pearls
() Jumped Off A Bridge
(x) Screamed "Penis"
(x) Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 66

Level 22

(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube
(x) Kicked A Fish
(X) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(x) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 69

Level 23

(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
(x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(x)Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Recently stayed Up for a while talking to someone you care about

SO FAR: 73

Level 24

(X) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(X) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had/Been In A Tree House
(x) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 77

Level 25
(x) Believed In Ghosts
(x) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
(x) Gone Streaking
() Visited Jail

SO FAR: 80

Level 26
(x) Played Chicken
(X) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
() Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 84

Level 27
() Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
(x) Made A porn video/got asked to make one
() Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 87

Level 28
(x) Mooned/Flashed Someone
(x) Had Someone Moon/Flash You
(x) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
(x) French Braided Someones Hair
(X) Gone Skinny Dipping
(x) Been Kicked Out Of Your House
(x) Tried to hurt yourself

SO FAR: 95

Level 29
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
(X) Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
(x) Had A Cavity
(x) Black-Mailed Someone
() Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 99

Level 31
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
() Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone

SO FAR : 103

Level 32
() Been shot at/or at gunpoint
() Had sex in the rain
() Flattened someones tires
(x) Rode in a car/truck until the gas light came on
(x) Got five dollars or less worth of gas

TOTAL: 106

Summer and Christmas

2009-06-17T22:08:00.000-07:00

I like summer. I like Christmas too, but I really like summer. I like spending time with my love and making things and having time to cook, and OHHHH I love running now too. Brandon Heath is a great trainer, having me jog during the chorus of his songs and powerwalk during the rest. Im a beginner; im sure once I start listening to Casting Crowns during my runs the workout will be much more intense. I literally lay in bed waiting for the sun to come up so I can go run.
Anyway, today I decided I want to teach kindergarten. The good news is that everytime I change my profession it is roughly along the same lines. Kids, and helping them be darling human beings.
And my house is turning into a home. Slowly but surely. Oh and seeing my friends again makes the world a whole lot better. I love them all the way to the tips of my toes.

Dreamy

2009-06-06T14:36:00.000-07:00

Last night in the car I started thinking about my "dream life." Like, the one that I have never thought about before, because, I dont know, fear or deeply rooted psychological issues or or or. Anyway, here it is, for documentations sake.

So hopefully someday ill look back and say, "Dang, I dreamed so small."

I want to live by the beach (like biking distance), preferably in California, in a somewhat small, old, house that we have fixed up ourselves. One with a space for a garden and room for a hammock or tire swing in the backyard, preferably. Oh, and I want beach cruisers, or a tandem.

And, yeah, okay, I want 5 million kids, but ideally, I'd like to have three or four of our own and adopt a couple too. Really. My heart breaks and beats for adoption. AND since this is my dream life, im going to go ahead and say that i'd like two or three girls and a boy we made ourselves. And two adopted babies. African American and South American ones. And I want to raise our children to know that they are infinitely loved, accepted, and wanted, by God and by us. I want them to grow up knowing that they have a purpose and place in this world. And I want to let them eat ice cream for breakfast sometimes and keep them home from school every once in a while so we can play with chalk or build sandcastles.

And I'd like to work in full time ministry. Preferably as a staff person for a church or for Younglife Capernaum ministries. Something ideally to do with people with disabilities or youth ministry. I really just want use my life to show people how much God loves them.

And I want to be happily married to Omar for all the days of my life. I want to grow with him and because of him and continue to journey through this life together. I want him to do what he loves and have a job that gives him purpose and meaning. I want him to know the importance of his role as the father to our children, and I want to see him grow in his love for Christ and people. I want us to be more in love at 75 then we are now.

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

and thats all that really matters anyway.

Her, here, too.

2009-06-05T12:24:00.001-07:00

So, its her here.

You know, the girl who has been missing for the last year or two.

The girl who was afraid to be herself because of,.... no reason. Just afraid, I think. Too many people to impress. Anyway, just wanted to let you (myself) know that im baaaaaaaaack, or at least im trying to get back. And quite possibly will get back, because summer has a way of making me very, very, alive. I am currently redefining "home," both literally and spiritually. Its pretty intense. I get to spend my days "finding myself" and creating and loving humans and isnt that what the hokey pokey is really all about anyway? Hopefully I learn to cook and I make lots of cool stuff out of other peoples trash, and hopefully if I suck at both of those things, I dont beat myself up for it. I just really want to be the best part of myself, all the time, and there have been times where I have been but then they go away, and I just want them to stay. So, I invited them to hang out for the summer, and just be. By the way, I love you. I hope the fact that i've been a selfish, stuck-up, lazy, too busy, crazy for a little while hasnt scared you off. Sorry.